Knowing Jack Schitt

This piece of writing has been floating around cyberspace for quite some time; I’ve tried to track down just who is responsible for it, with no luck.  It’s so tongue-in-cheek, your tongue may permanently stay there, and I dare you not to think of the whole family tree the next time you hear any of the associated phrases!

Who is Jack Schitt?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says “You don’t know Jack Schitt.” Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents’ objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two other of the six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.  She’d had a pet dog, a mastiff who was known in the region by his Chinese name, Ho Le Schitt, because he ate small gangsters for breakfast; she couldn’t afford to feed him in her new country, so she left him where his food supply would not run out.

So now when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt,” you can correct them.

Image Credit:

O. Schitt – this tree doesn’t quite match the lineage above. O. Well. Image Credit:


Filed under Humor, Images

15 responses to “Knowing Jack Schitt

  1. cb

    Reblogged this on Contrafactual and commented:
    Which one had the snack company so frequently referenced of Archer?

  2. Must flick that on my fb 😀

  3. Carol Ferenc

    Priceless!! Thanks for the giggles.

  4. You’re very welcome! I have yet to read it out loud to my husband, but when I do, I’m sure he’ll be glad our name is neither Schitt (very possible here in the German-speaking area!) nor Happens. 😉

  5. This is brilliant! I’ve never seen this before but I’m going to save this and pass it on. It’s too good to keep quiet!

  6. It is! Feel free to re-blog! 🙂

  7. Wow! That is just hilarious! Awesome! 😀 😀

  8. Let’s not forget the long-lost cousin, Cuttha Schitt. I heard he got disowned when he married Dame Isteppeden, who began going by Dame Isteppeden-Schitt. 😀

  9. My husband just reminded me that Mega Schitt married Miss Storm (possibly a mutant?), who was then known as Mrs Mega Schitt-Storm…

  10. This is so midwestern…I’ve shoveled a lot schitt out of the barn. 😀

  11. Hopefully none were relatives! 😉

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