Tag Archives: Humor
Two years ago, I ran a series of articles about odd jobs – or what you might also call just downright weird jobs, like worm farmers and paint-drying watchers (yes, they’re actually paying jobs). I also enjoy coming across photos of simple jobs gone wrong – whether or not they’re messed up out of inattention, ignorance, laziness, or just attempts to get fired or get even. Here are a few such photos, just for fun. Enjoy!
This piece of writing has been floating around cyberspace for quite some time; I’ve tried to track down just who is responsible for it, with no luck. It’s so tongue-in-cheek, your tongue may permanently stay there, and I dare you not to think of the whole family tree the next time you hear any of the associated phrases!
Who is Jack Schitt?
The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says “You don’t know Jack Schitt.” Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents’ objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.
However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two other of the six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. She’d had a pet dog, a mastiff who was known in the region by his Chinese name, Ho Le Schitt, because he ate small gangsters for breakfast; she couldn’t afford to feed him in her new country, so she left him where his food supply would not run out.
So now when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt,” you can correct them.
The following sentences are taken verbatim from comments on unwitting websites; I’ve collected them as I’ve come across them since Autumn of 2013. Sometimes I couldn’t help myself and put my comments in parentheses; other comments there are simply reference to the context. I have dozens more, but certain things in life are better in small doses…
- “Don’t look like you like didn’t eat it all” (man, late-50s)
- “I just havta buy some…” (woman, 18)
- (Headline): “Welfare Check Leads to Homicide Investigation” (Referring to a response of officers to check on a suspicious situation, and not a monetary cheque…)
- “I love London. Especially the countryside.” (face palm…not strictly bad grammar; just ignorance…)
- “Now this statement I like – we are Ameica and our language is English – you want6 to live hear learn our language. And go by our rules.” (Concerning a sign that said, “Welcome to America. Press 1 for English; Press 2 to disconnect until you learn English.” Clearly they missed grammar and spelling lessons.)
- “Lively up yourself.”
- “Who’s agree with us?”
- “Sorry hand finger bad cut bleeding after topaz scared and did it. sorry it not up in the morning. Sorry sorting it I hope” (Whaaat??)
- “I think it gonna b 2 these 4 me 2nite.” (Clearly.)
- “That is the days I go shopping even if I don’t buy nothing hoping the family left at home do something.” (Hopefully the family is learning better grammar than this mother did…)