Category Archives: Lists

History Undusted: The 1867 Sailor’s Word-Book

Sea Captians Logfixed(web)

As part of my research for my upcoming novel, Asunder, I came across the 1867 “The Sailor’s Word-Book:  An Alphabetical Digest of Nautical Terms, including some more especially military and scientific, but useful to seamen; as well as archaisms of early voyagers, etc. by the late ADMIRAL W. H. SMYTH, K.S.F., D.C.L., &c.”  It’s a massive document, but below is a small gleaning; if you want more, check out my original posts on History Undusted here.  It’s a fascinating insight into life and demands at sea in the 18th & 19th centuries, and gives a glimpse of just how many of our common idioms originated at sea; how dull our language might have been otherwise!  I’ve also included a few odd ones that I think deserve revival!

ACCOMPANY, to. To sail together; to sail in convoy.

AVAST. The order to stop, hold, cease, or stay, in any operation: its derivation from the Italian basta is more plausible than have fast.

BADGER, to. To tease or confound by frivolous orders.

BALLARAG, to. To abuse or bully. Thus Warton of the French king— “You surely thought to ballarag us with your fine squadron off Cape Lagos.”

BAMBOOZLE, to. To decoy the enemy by hoisting false colours.

BEAT TO QUARTERS. The order for the drummer to summon everyone to his respective station.

BLOAT, to. To dry by smoke; a method latterly applied almost exclusively to cure herrings or bloaters.—Bloated is also applied to any half-dried fish.

BONE, to. To seize, take, or apprehend. A ship is said to carry a bone in her mouth and cut a feather, when she makes the water foam before her.

BOTCH, to. To make bungling work.

BULLYRAG, to. To reproach contemptuously, and in a hectoring manner; to bluster, to abuse, and to insult noisily. Shakspeare makes mine host of the Garter dub Falstaff a bully-rook.

BUNGLE, to. To perform a duty in a slovenly manner.

CLINCH A BUSINESS, to. To finish it; to settle it beyond further dispute, as the recruit taking the shilling (those who were impressed into the Royal Navy, if they took the pre-payment of one shilling, were forthwith considered volunteers).

COBBLE, to. To mend or repair hastily. Also, the coggle or cog.—Cobble or coggle stones, pebbly shingle, ballast-stones rounded by attrition, boulders, &c.

CORN, to. A remainder of the Anglo-Saxon ge-cyrned, salted. To preserve meat for a time by salting it slightly.

CUT AND RUN, to. To cut the cable for an escape. Also, to move off quickly; to quit occupation; to be gone.

EGG, to. To instigate, incite, provoke, to urge on: from the Anglo-Saxon eggion.

FLEATE, to. To skim fresh water off the sea, as practised at the mouths of the Rhone, the Nile, &c. The word is derived from the Dutch vlieten, to skim milk; it also means to float.

GEE, to. To suit or fit; as, “that will just gee.”

GUDDLE, to. To catch fish with the hands by groping along a stream’s bank.

HARASS, to. To torment and fatigue men with needless work.

HOLD-FAST. A rope; also the order to the people aloft, when shaking out reefs, &c., to suspend the operation. In ship-building, it means a bolt going down through the rough tree rail, and the fore or after part of each stanchion.

JIRK, to. To cut or score the flesh of the wild hog on the inner surface, as practised by the Maroons. It is then smoked and otherwise prepared in a manner that gives the meat a fine flavour.

KEEP YOUR LUFF. An order to the helmsman to keep the ship close to the wind, i.e. sailing with a course as near as possible to the direction from which the wind is coming.  LUFF, or Loofe. The order to the helmsman, so as to bring the ship’s head up more to windward. Sometimes called springing a luff. Also, the air or wind. Also, an old familiar term for lieutenant. Also, the fullest or roundest part of a ship’s bows. Also, the weather-leech of a sail.

MAKE IT SO. The order of a commander to confirm the time, sunrise, noon, or sunset, reported to him by the officer of the watch.

PIPE DOWN! The order to dismiss the men from the deck when a duty has been performed on board ship.

STAND FROM UNDER! A notice given to those below to keep out of the way of anything being lowered down, or let fall from above.

TOE A LINE! The order to stand in a row.

KICK THE BUCKET, to. To expire; an inconsiderate phrase for dying.

KICK UP A DUST, to. To create a row or disturbance.

LET FLY, to. To let go a rope at once, suddenly.

MAN-HANDLE, to. To move by force of men, without levers or tackles.

MARINATE, to. To salt fish, and afterwards preserve it in oil or vinegar.

NAIL, to. Is colloquially used for binding a person to a bargain. In weighing articles of food, a nail is 8 lbs.

OVERSHOOT, to. To give a ship too much way.

PITCH IN, to. To set to work earnestly; to beat a person violently. (A colloquialism.)

RANSACK, to. To pillage; but to ransack the hold is merely to overhaul its contents.

SKEDADDLE, to. To stray wilfully from a watering or a working party. An archaism retained by the Americans.

SPIN A TWIST OR A YARN, to. To tell a long story; much prized in a dreary watch, if not tedious.

SUCK THE MONKEY, to. To rob the grog-can.

TOP THE GLIM, to. To snuff the candle.

TROUNCE, to. To beat or punish. Used as far back as the 1550s.

TURN A TURTLE, to. To take the animal by seizing a flipper, and throwing him on his back, which renders him quite helpless. Also applied to a vessel capsizing; or throwing a person suddenly out of his hammock.

TWIG, to. To pull upon a bowline. Also, in familiar phrase, to understand or observe.

WADE, to. An Anglo-Saxon word, meaning to pass through water without swimming. In the north, the sun was said to wade when covered by a dense atmosphere.

WALK SPANISH, to. To quit duty without leave; to desert.

WEATHER ONE’S DIFFICULTIES, to. A colloquial phrase meaning to contend with and surmount troubles.

WHISTLE FOR THE WIND, to. A superstitious practice among old seamen, who are equally scrupulous to avoid whistling during a heavy gale.—To wet one’s whistle. To take a drink. Thus Chaucer tells us that the miller of Trumpington’s lady had “Hir joly whistle wel ywette.”

WORK DOUBLE-TIDES, to. Implying that the work of three days is done in two, or at least two tides’ work in twenty-four hours.

 

Image Source: Unknown.  Please let me know if it’s yours – I’ll gladly credit the artist!

 

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Filed under Etymology, History, History Undusted, Links to External Articles, Lists, Military History, Nuts & Bolts, Research

How to Make a Positive Impact on the Climate

Most people know by now that our climate is changing; part of it is a natural cycle, but most of the recent changes are because of mankind’s carelessness and industrial advancements.  Intense storms, flooding, drought, fire, avalanches, landslides… and that’s all been within the past week.  Looked at as a whole, it might be overwhelming; people know changes need to be made, but what can one person do?  Quite a lot, actually – and if everyone begins changing certain habits to a greener alternative, the impact will be felt.  For your sake and mine, I’ve pulled together a list of things we can do:

Climate Changes

1. Get involved

Vote for green policies, support green campaigns and organisations, and get the word out to your friends and family about what they can do to become greener.

2. Be energy efficient

Switch off lights; change light bulbs to compact fluorescents or LEDs; wash clothes in cold or warm (not hot) water, and only when the load is full; hang dry your clothes when you can; keep your thermostat at minimum temperatures, and layer your clothes if you’re cool, or take off layers if you’re hot – don’t freeze your house in the summer, or heat it to the tropics in the winter.  Look for energy-efficient labels when buying new appliances.  If you’re thinking of moving, consider moving closer to your workplace, or closer to your usual shops – wherever you can to lower fuel consumption or allow alternative transport such as bike or bus.

3. Choose renewable power

Ask your utility company to switch your account to clean, renewable power, such as from wind farms, solar power, or earth-heat sources. If it doesn’t offer this option yet, ask it to.  The next time you need to buy an appliance, look for the greener brand.

4. Eat wisely

Buy organic and locally grown foods. Avoid processed items. Grow some of your own food. And eat low on the food chain — at least one meat-free meal a day if you’re not already vegetarian — since 18% of greenhouse gas emissions come from meat and dairy production.

5. Trim your waste

Garbage buried in landfills produces methane, a potent greenhouse gas. Keep stuff out of landfills by composting kitchen scraps and garden trimmings, and recycling paper, plastic, metal and glass, and donating things like clothes to charity shops. Let store managers and manufacturers know you want products with minimal or recyclable packaging.  If you do crafts or know anyone who does, upcycle.

6. Let polluters pay

Carbon taxes make polluting activities more expensive and green solutions more affordable, allowing energy-efficient businesses and households to save money. If your local government doesn’t have a carbon tax yet, ask your politicians to implement one.

7. Fly less

Air travel leaves behind a huge carbon footprint. Before you book your next airline ticket, consider greener options such as buses or trains, or try vacationing closer to home. You can also stay in touch with people by videoconferencing, which saves time as well as travel and accommodation costs.

8. Green your commute

Transportation causes greenhouse gas emissions, so walk, cycle or take transit whenever you can. You’ll save money and get into better shape! If you can’t go car-free, try carpooling or car sharing, and use the smallest, most fuel-efficient vehicle possible.

9.  Buy Less

Whether electronic items, or reusable grocery bags, you can reduce your carbon footprint by buying wisely, less often, and energy efficient.  Buy local or organic foods when possible; look for fair trade products, which not only give a better wage to the people producing the good but also tend to have cost-efficient transport; buy essentials in bulk to reduce plastic wrapping.  Recycle or upcycle that wrapping.  Use what you buy – don’t let foods go off, or buy any item around the house unless you need it and will use it. Buy products when possible that are sourced from sustainable programs – wood, paper, etc.  Don’t upgrade your cell phone until you must; that little gadget leaves a huge carbon footprint; and when you do upgrade your phone, make sure you recycle it. For every 1 million smartphones recycled, 35,274 pounds of copper, 772 pounds of silver, 75 pounds of gold and 33 pounds of palladium can be recovered.

10.  Unplug

Believe it or not, you may be spending more money on electricity to power devices when off than when on. Televisions, stereo equipment, computers, battery chargers and a host of other gadgets and appliances consume more energy when seemingly switched off, so unplug them instead.

11:  Shop Online

If you can’t buy something locally, or bike or walk to the shop, consider online shopping.  This is a catch-22, as local shops need your support; but if you have to drive further to find something, look for it online.  According to one study, in-store shoppers gave off slightly fewer carbon dioxide emissions than online shoppers at distances shorter than 8.6 miles. For longer distances, online shoppers’ footprints remained relatively stable, while brick-and-mortar shoppers’ emissions skyrocketed, up to 451.4 grams of carbon dioxide per transaction (when travelling more than 62 miles).  One UK study showed the average consumer would have to purchase 24 items at the market to make the trip equal to the carbon footprint of just one item ordered online.

12.  Carbon Footprint Awareness

What is your carbon footprint?  How many slaves do you use?  Become aware of what your past habits have done, and it will influence your future choices.  Here are a few links to help you figure out how you are impacting the environment:

How big is your environmental footprint?  Check out this Footprint Calculator

 How many slaves work for you?  Take this survey to find out.

Additional Information:

http://www.davidsuzuki.org/what-you-can-do/top-10-ways-you-can-stop-climate-change/

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/10-solutions-for-climate-change/

http://mashable.com/2014/05/15/climate-change-impact/#ILorIHWGeaqw

 

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Filed under Articles, Lists, Musings, Science & Technology

Pixar’s Rules of Storytelling

Recently I came across Pixar’s rule #19, quoted in James Scott Bell’s book, “How to Write Short Stories (and use them to further your writing career)”.  It’s an excellent book, and one of a few of his I’ve got in my Kindle collection.  But this rule reminded me of the whole list, full of good advice for storytellers whether their format is film or novel (from flash fiction to tome).  Most writing advice boils down to things like focus, self-discipline, detail work, and honing one’s craft to the best it can be – and that is an on-going process, a habit, an addiction.  It needs to be a passion.  Honing our craft means covering all the bases – grammar, syntax, plot, character, vocabulary, pacing, theme-building, and so, so, much more!  If you’ve got a weakness in your writing skills, the good news is that you can always improve it!  Make it a strength!  So be inspired, and keep writing!

Pixar's Writing Rules

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Filed under Articles, Lists, Nuts & Bolts, Plot Thots & Profiles

Similes Galore

Have you ever wanted to compare two people, places or things in a pithy way, but couldn’t remember a particular saying, or think of a way to put it?  For starters, what you’re looking for is called a “simile”, and they abound in English!   A simile is a figure of speech used to compare one thing to another, usually using “like” or “as”.  Some are obvious, some are quirky, and some must have a fascinating history.  Here is a small selection using “as…as”; if you know of any others, please add them in the comments below!  Have a great weekend, and keep writing!

blind as a bat & drunk as a skunk - by jellogiant, Deviantart

As likely as not

As long as your arm

As loud as thunder

As mad as a hatter / a March hare

As mad as a wet hen / a hornet

As mean as a snake

As meek as a lamb

As merry as a cricket

As mild as a dove / a lamb / milk / May

As much use as a handbrake on a canoe

As mute as a fish / an oyster / a statue / a stone

As naked as a jaybird / the day they were born

As nervous as a cat (in a room full of rocking chairs) / pig in a packing plant

As nutty as a fruitcake

As obstinate as a mule

As often as not

As old as the hills / Adam / Methuselah

As pale as a ghost / death / ashes

As patient as Job / an ox

As plain as a pikestaff / day / the sun / the nose on your face

As playful as a kitten

As pleased as punch / a dog with two tails

As plump as a partridge

As poor as a church mouse / a rat / Job / Lazarus / dirt

As pretty as a picture

As proud as Lucifer

As proud / pleased as punch

As proud / vain as a peacock

As pure as a lily / (the driven) snow

As quick as a dog can lick a dish / a wink / lightning / a flash

As quiet / still as a mouse / whisper

As red as a rose / a cherry / beetroot / a lobster / a turkey-cock / blood / fire

As regular as clockwork

As rich as Crassus / a Jew

As right as rain / nails / a trivet

As round as a barrel / a ball / an apple / a globe

As safe as houses / the Bank of England

As scarce as hen’s teeth / ice water in hell

As scared as a rabbit

As sharp as a tack / a needle / a razor

As sick as a dog / a parrot

As silent as the dead / the grave / the stars

As silly as a goose / a sheep

As slim as a willow

As slippery as an eel / ice

As slow as a snail / a wet week / molasses in winter / molasses in January

As sly as a fox

As smooth as butter / oil / silk / glass

As snug as a bug in a rug

As sober as a judge

As soft as butter / down / silk / velvet / clay / wax

As sound as a bell

As sour as vinegar

As straight as an arrow / a ramrod

As steady as a rock / the Rock of Gibraltar

As sticky as jam

As stiff as a poker / a ramrod / a board / pikestaff

As still as a mouse / death / the grave

As straight as a die / an arrow / a poker / a ramrod

As strong as an ox / a horse / a bull

As stubborn as a mule / a goat

As sure as death and taxes / death / taxes / a gun / eggs are eggs

As sweet as honey / sugar

As tall as a steeple / maypole / a skyscraper

As thick as thieves / blackberries / pea soup

As thick as two (short) planks

As thin as a rail / paper / thread / a stick

As timid as a deer / hare / rabbit / mouse

As tired as a dog

As tough as old boots / nails / leather

As tricky as a monkey

As true as steel / flint

As ugly as sin / a scarecrow / a toad

As useful as a chocolate teapot

As vain / proud as a peacock

As warm as toast

As watchful as a hawk

As weak as a kitten / a baby / water

As wet as a drowned rat

As white as a ghost / a sheet

As white as snow / chalk / milk

As wide as the poles are apart

As wise as Solomon / an owl

As yielding as wax

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May 27, 2017 · 12:23 PM

Wordless Wednesday no. 22: Architectural Inspirations #2 – Round Houses

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May 17, 2017 · 10:41 AM

Quintus Quotes: Writing

Alfred Hitchcock - writer, suspicious characterAlice Walker - Writers' LivesErnest Hemingway - CharactersJane Austen 2Julie Wright - What doesn't kill us gives us something to write about

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Filed under Lists, Quotes, Writing Prompt

History Undusted: The Art of Cookery made Plain and Easy

L0014984 H. Glasse's "Art of cookery": lady and her maidThe Art of Cookery made Plain and Easy was written in 1747 by Hannah Glasse (1708-1770) and played a dominant role in shaping the practices of domestic cooks in England and the American colonies for over one hundred years.  It is an excellent reference for historical writers, reenactors, and living museums.  Hannah wrote mostly for the “lower sort” as she called them, domestic servants who might not have had much exposure to various cooking techniques or ingredients before entering the service of a larger household.  She wrote it in a simple language, and can come across at times quite condescending; her writing style, spelling variations (including capitalisation which was much like German, with all nouns capitalised), and punctuation are in themselves a fascinating look at the standard of printing and editing, and what was most likely “acceptable English” of the times (I dread to think what future generations might assume is the “standard” of our own times, based on the slipshod average of what is unleashed online…!).  I’ve tried to leave Hannah’s work as-is, though sometimes the auto-correct sneaks by even the most diligent.

In my current manuscript, the third book in The Northing Trilogy, Asunder, my heroine goes from being of the upper class to marrying a lieutenant in the Royal Navy, disobliging her family and being cut off by the father.  Her mother sends her Hannah Glasse’s book, and she writes a journal entry regarding her use of it and trying to decipher just what is meant by instructions that, even with the attempt at instructing servants new to the kitchen, assumes a great deal of pre-knowledge (e.g. “first skin the meat and take off all the fat” or “chicken, which must be very nicely picked and clean“).

She had a very clear opinion as to what was right and wrong, how a thing was to be prepared and “there is no other way to do it right.”  Many of the “receipts” (recipes) are still known, such as Hasty Pudding or Yorkshire pudding, while others would be unthinkable – whole Woodcocks, Ortolans and snipes (with nothing removed), or how to prepare meat when it’s begun to stink.  They served every part of the animal, from entrails neatly presented to split skulls (with specific directions for how to lay the tongue most becomingly…).  There were a surprising variety of spices, herbs and ingredients used, and which she assumed every household would have on hand, such as China root, balsam of Tolu, and liquorice; she even included a few Indian curry recipes, reflecting the East Indian connections.   She minced no words on what she thought of extravagant (read wasteful) French cooking habits, and her disdain was evident in numerous passages.  Her recipes were by no means all original; many were common sense, but many were also shamelessly plagiarised from other published works (perhaps we should be grateful for that now, as otherwise they might have been lost to the mists of time!).  There are recipes of how to certainly avoid the plague, how a ship’s captain could have food prepared for long voyages, and recipes for medicinal purposes.

Not all homes had ovens, and in one recipe it is worded “send it to the oven… when it comes home” – this would imply that it was sent to the village bakery, and brought home to finish off once it had been sent away to be baked.  Because of that limitation, many recipes are for boiling; they seemed to boil the living daylights out of meat, vegetables, or anything else that they could put in a pot.

It is a fascinating historical document, reference work and recipe source (many, purely for the pleasure of grossing out your kids or guests) for those interested; but for those not interested, it would be a torture for me to post hideously long blogs on the topic.  The book can be found nowadays on Amazon in paperback, or online in PDF format. Below, I’ll share the original “pre-index” image, and her own personal note “To The Reader”, which in and of itself is entertaining, informative and historical.  She minces no words on her disdain for the French, so to my French readers, I ask that they please take it on the chin with a pinch of salt and a wink!

Hannah Glasse Book

Hannah Glasse’s “To the Reader.”

“I Believe I have attempted a branch of Cookery, which nobody has yet thought worth their while to write upon:  but as I have both seen, and found, by experienced, that the generality of servants are greatly wanting in that point, therefore I have taken upon me to instruct them in the best manner I am capable; and, I dare say, that every servant who can but read will be capable of making a tolerable good cook, and those who have the least notion of Cookery cannot miss of being very good ones.

“If I have not wrote in the high polite style, I hope I shall be forgiven; for my intention is to instruct the lower sort, and therefore must treat them in their own way.  For example:  when I bid them lard a fowl, if I should bid them lard with large lardoons, they would not know what I meant; but when I say they must lard with little pieces of bacon, they know what I mean.  So, in many other things in Cookery, the great cooks have such a high way of expressing themselves, that the poor girls are at a loss to know what they mean:  and in all Receipt Books yet printed, there are such an odd jumble of things as would quite spoil a good dish; and indeed some things so extravagant, that it would be almost a shame to make use of them, when a dish can be made full as good, or better, without them.  For example:  when you entertain ten or twelve people, you shall use for a cullis, a leg of veal and a ham, which, with the other ingredients, makes it very expensive, and all this only to mix with other sauce.  And again, the essence of ham for sauce to on dish; when I will prove it, for about three shillings I will make as rich and high a sauce as all that will be, when done.  For example:

“Take a large deep stew-pan, half a pound of bacon, fat and lean together, cut the fat and lay it over the bottom of the pan; then take a pound of veal, cut it into thin slices, beat it well with the back of a knife, lay it all over the bacon; then have six-penny worth of the coarse lean part of the beef cut thin and well beat, lay a layer of it all over, with some carrot, then the lean of the bacon cut thin and laid over that:  then cut two onions and strew over, a bundle of sweet-herbs, four or five blades of mace, six or seven cloves, a spoonful of whole pepper, black and white together, half a nutmeg beat, a pigeon beat all to pieces, lay that all over, half an ounce of truffles and morels, then the rest of your beef, a good crust of bread toasted very brown and dry on both sides:  you may add an old cock beat to pieces; cover it close, and let it stand over a slow fire two or three minutes, then pour on boiling water enough to fill the pan, cover it close, and let it stew till it is as rich as you would have it, and then strain off all that sauce.  Put all your ingredients together again, fill the pan with boiling water, put in a fresh onions, a blade of mace, and a piece of carrot; cover it close, and let it stew till it is as strong as you want it.  This will be full as good as the essence of ham for all sorts of fowls, or indeed most made-dishes, mixed with a glass of wine, and two or three spoonfuls of catchup.  When your first gravy is cool, skim off all the fat, and keep it for use. – This falls far short of the expense of a leg of veal and ham, and answers every purpose you want.

“If you go to market, the ingredients will not come to above half a crown, or for about eighteen-pence you may make as much good gravy as will serve twenty people.

“Take twelve-penny worth of coarse lean beef, which will be six or seven pounds, cut it all to pieces, flour it well, take a quarter of a pound of good butter, put it into a little pot or large deep stew-pan, and put in your beef:  keep stirring it, and when it begins to look a little brown, pour in a pint of boiling water; stir it all together, put in a large onion, a bundle of sweet herbs, two or three blades of made, five or six cloves, a spoonful of whole pepper, a crust of bread toasted, and a piece of carrot; then pour in four or five quarts of water, stir all together, cover close, and let it stew till it is as rich as you would have it; when enough, strain it off, mix it with two or three spoonfuls of catchup, and half a pint of white wine; then put all the ingredients together again, and put in two quarts of boiling water, cover it close, and let it boil till there is about a pint; strain it off well, add it to the first, and give it a boil together.  This will make a great deal of rich good gravy.

“You may leave out the wine, according to what use you want it for; so that really one might have a genteel entertainment, for the price the sauce of one dish comes to:  but if gentlemen will have French cooks, they must pay for French tricks.

“A Frenchman in his own country will dress a fine dinner of twenty dishes, and all genteel and pretty, for the expense he will put an English lord to for dressing one dish.  But then there is the little petty profit.  I have heard of a cook that used six pounds of butter to fry twelve eggs; when everybody knows (that understands cooking) that half a pound is full enough, or more than need be used; but then it would not be French.  So much is the blind folly of this age, that they would rather be imposed on by a French booby, than give encouragement to a good English cook!

“I doubt I shall not gain the esteem of those gentlemen; however, let that be as it will, it little concerns me; but should I be so happy as to gain the good opinion of my own sex, I desire no more; that will be a full recompence for all my trouble; and I only beg the favour of every lade to read my Book throughout before they censure me, and then I flatter myself I shall have their approbation.

“I shall not take upon me to meddle in the physical way farther than two receipts, which will be of use to the public in general: one is for the bit of a mad dog: and the other, if a man would be near where the plague is, he shall be in no danger; which, if made use of, would be found of very great service to those who go abroad.

“Nor shall I take upon me to direct a lady in the economy of her family, for every mistress does, or at least ought to know, what is most proper to be done there; therefore I shall not fill my Book with a deal of nonsense of that kind, which I am very well assured none will have regard to.

“I have indeed given some of my dishes French names to distinguish them, because they are known by those names:  and where there is a great variety of dishes and a large table to cover, so there must be a variety of names for them; and it matters not whether they be called by a French, Dutch or English name, so they are good, and done with as little expence as the dish will allow of.

“I shall say no more, only hope my Book will answer the ends I intend it for; which is to improve the servants, and save the ladies a great deal of trouble.”

Originally posted on History Undusted, 28 May 2013

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Quintus Quotes: Witty Comebacks

Back when insults had class, words could be sharper than a two-edged sword; in fact, idioms that use the imagery of swords vs. words have been around for thousands of years.  I wonder if our modern society, with its political correctness and instant comments, has somewhat lost the art of refined speech and reflective commentary; perhaps we can rescue witty repartee from extinction by writing, thinking, and speaking with more thought and thoughtfulness.  In the meantime, for all you logophiles out there, here are a few witty comebacks from days gone by:

 

 

witty-comebacks-abraham-lincoln-vs-stephan-douglas-after-douglas-called-him-two-faced-during-a-debate

Abraham Lincoln vs. Stephan Douglas, after Douglas called Lincoln “two-faced” during a debate

witty-comebacks-alcibiades-vs-pericles

witty-comebacks-author-ilka-chase-vs-actress

Author Ilke Chase vs. unknown actress

witty-comebacks-calvin-cooledge-vs-opera-singerwitty-comebacks-churchill-vs-mp

 

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The Ultimate Final Exam

DIGITAL CAMERAAfter 11 months with an exchange student here with us, our life is now beginning to revert to its previous “business as usual” state.  That means that I can schedule my time, my days, and even weeks, and actually see those goals come within reach and grasp them.  It means that I can sit down at my computer, and write 10 hours straight if I’m on a roll!  It’s suspiciously quiet here now, but that does not mean something’s afoot this time… unless the cats are up to something.  With all of her exams through the school year, I was reminded of a list I’d seen years ago; when I shared a similar list in my previous post, I decided to track this one down and share it with you.

This ought to keep you entertained and out of trouble, while I dive into my fifth novel’s manuscript with a fresh eye (since I haven’t really seen hide or hair of it since April…!).  Enjoy, and have a great week!

Warning:  I take no responsibility for snorted drinks or explosions of anything out of your north or south ends

The Ultimate Final Exam

  Read each question carefully.  Answer all questions.    Time Limit: Four hours. 

 HISTORY:

Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa.  Be brief, concise and specific.

  GEOGRAPHY:

Predict the position of the tectonic plates as they will appear two billion years from now. Be prepared to prove your results.

  MEDICINE:

You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a bottle of Scotch.  Remove your appendix.  Do not suture until your work has been inspected.  You have fifteen minutes.

  BIOLOGY:

Create life.  Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.  Prove your thesis.

  PUBLIC SPEAKING:

2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom.  Calm them.  You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

  ART:

Give an objective analysis of the relative significance and quality of the works of the major artists of the past three millennia. Be specific, and prove your analysis with detailed examples.

  MUSIC:

Write a piano concerto.  Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum.  You will find a piano under your seat.

  PSYCHOLOGY:

Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment and repressed frustrations of each of the following:

  • Alexander of Aphrodisias
  • Ramses II
  • Gregory of Nicea
  • Hammurabi

Support your evaluation with quotations from each man’s work, making appropriate references.  It is not necessary to translate.

  SOCIOLOGY:

Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world.  Construct an experiment to test your theory.

  COMPUTER SCIENCE:

Write a program that will end world hunger and homelessness. You may use the computer console next to you, however use of a modem or any other communications device is prohibited, as is the use of electricity.

  ENGINEERING:

The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk.  You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room.  Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

  PHYSICS:

Explain the nature of matter.  Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

  ASTRONOMY:

Create a miniature stellar fusion reaction, and describe in detail the effects of close-range stellar radiation on human flesh.

  POLITICAL SCIENCE:

There is a red telephone on the desk beside you.  Start World War III; report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

  EPISTEMOLOGY:

Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.

  RELIGIOUS STUDIES:

Prove or disprove the existence of God, without the use of religious texts over a century old. Be specific, and include a discussion on the possible true meanings and uses for the Tetragrammaton. Also be prepared show how your proof relates to the national debt and the Watergate scandal.

  ECONOMICS

Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt.  Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas:

  • Cubism
  • The Donatist controversy
  • The wave theory of light

Outline a method for preventing these effects.  Criticize this method from all possible points of view.  Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

  PHILOSOPHY:

Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance.  Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

  GENERAL KNOWLEDGE:

Describe in detail.  Be objective and specific.

  EXTRA CREDIT:

Define the Universe; give three examples.

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Rules of Writing: Elmore Leonard

elmore-leonard-authorElmore Leonard, best known for countless novels and their film adaptations, such as Get Shorty, Jackie Brown and Out of Sight, was known for this gritty writing style and strong dialogues.

Here are a few of his gems of advice for writers (with my comments in parentheses):

  • “If it sounds like writing, I rewrite it.”
  • “Try to leave out the parts that readers tend to skip.” (Think: thick paragraphs of prose; boring lists; role calls that seem to be there more to remind the writer who’s in the scene than to entertain the reader.)
  • “If proper (grammar) usage gets in the way, it may have to go.  I can’t allow what we learned  in English composition to disrupt the sound and rhythm of the narrative.” (This advice should follow the adage, however:  First learn the rules; then you’ll know how and when you can break them.)
  • “Never open a book with weather.  There are exceptions.  If you happen to be Barry Lopez, who has more ways to describe snow and ice  than an Eskimo, you can do all the weather reporting you want.”
  • “I never see my bad guys as simply bad.  They want pretty much what you and I want:  They want to be happy.”
  • “At the time I begin writing a novel, the last thing I want to do is follow a plot outline.  To know too much at the start takes the pleasure out of discovering what the book is about.”
  • “It doesn’t have to make sense, it just has to sound like it does.”

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