The Ultimate Final Exam

DIGITAL CAMERAAfter 11 months with an exchange student here with us, our life is now beginning to revert to its previous “business as usual” state.  That means that I can schedule my time, my days, and even weeks, and actually see those goals come within reach and grasp them.  It means that I can sit down at my computer, and write 10 hours straight if I’m on a roll!  It’s suspiciously quiet here now, but that does not mean something’s afoot this time… unless the cats are up to something.  With all of her exams through the school year, I was reminded of a list I’d seen years ago; when I shared a similar list in my previous post, I decided to track this one down and share it with you.

This ought to keep you entertained and out of trouble, while I dive into my fifth novel’s manuscript with a fresh eye (since I haven’t really seen hide or hair of it since April…!).  Enjoy, and have a great week!

Warning:  I take no responsibility for snorted drinks or explosions of anything out of your north or south ends

The Ultimate Final Exam

  Read each question carefully.  Answer all questions.    Time Limit: Four hours. 


Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa.  Be brief, concise and specific.


Predict the position of the tectonic plates as they will appear two billion years from now. Be prepared to prove your results.


You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a bottle of Scotch.  Remove your appendix.  Do not suture until your work has been inspected.  You have fifteen minutes.


Create life.  Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.  Prove your thesis.


2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom.  Calm them.  You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.


Give an objective analysis of the relative significance and quality of the works of the major artists of the past three millennia. Be specific, and prove your analysis with detailed examples.


Write a piano concerto.  Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum.  You will find a piano under your seat.


Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment and repressed frustrations of each of the following:

  • Alexander of Aphrodisias
  • Ramses II
  • Gregory of Nicea
  • Hammurabi

Support your evaluation with quotations from each man’s work, making appropriate references.  It is not necessary to translate.


Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world.  Construct an experiment to test your theory.


Write a program that will end world hunger and homelessness. You may use the computer console next to you, however use of a modem or any other communications device is prohibited, as is the use of electricity.


The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk.  You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room.  Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.


Explain the nature of matter.  Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.


Create a miniature stellar fusion reaction, and describe in detail the effects of close-range stellar radiation on human flesh.


There is a red telephone on the desk beside you.  Start World War III; report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.


Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.


Prove or disprove the existence of God, without the use of religious texts over a century old. Be specific, and include a discussion on the possible true meanings and uses for the Tetragrammaton. Also be prepared show how your proof relates to the national debt and the Watergate scandal.


Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt.  Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas:

  • Cubism
  • The Donatist controversy
  • The wave theory of light

Outline a method for preventing these effects.  Criticize this method from all possible points of view.  Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.


Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance.  Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.


Describe in detail.  Be objective and specific.


Define the Universe; give three examples.



Filed under Lists, Writing Prompt

23 responses to “The Ultimate Final Exam

  1. wezlo

    This is hysterical!

  2. They’re all brilliant, but my favourite is the extra credit; or the engineering… 🙂

  3. They are hilarious – but my absolute favourite would have to be the extra credit question; or the engineering problem…

  4. wezlo

    Epistemology was my favorite

  5. Oh, wow! I got that “final is tomorrow and I’m not prepared” feeling in the pit of my stomach!

  6. Well, I think that with this exam, if you can get ANY of them answered under 4 hours, you must have super powers, so I wouldn’t sweat the rest of it! 😉

  7. my music exam-seriously-consisted of a one hour concert of works that turn the hair of all working orchestra musicians purple-just to prove you can play them- and have the tape proving it to audition. The other half consisted of writing and orchesrating an original work, and having it played by the symphonic band, or the members of the composers club and friends. Your music test was actually under the norm!. As for the rest of the test- ha ha ha ha- where do you get this stuff? Love it.

  8. I remember friends majoring in music getting drunk after the exams, for relief… as a singer I got off easy, with my exam being to sing an Italian composition before a panel of judges…
    Where do I get this stuff? I dredge it up from my steel trap of a mind… I got this exam perhaps 20 years ago in an email, and remembered it… 🙂

  9. Four hours seems generous, but wait…I didn’t get a piano under my seat! Glad to hear you are getting back on track with your writing. I’m floundering a bit this first bit of 2017.

  10. connie r white

    Sorry, but I think perhaps you need another exchange student to occupy your mind. LOL!

  11. I loved the practical question — remove your appendix. They were all most amusing.

  12. I think the Home-Ec exam was last week – that’s when we built our pianos… 😉

  13. Just take one day at a time to get on track – having grace with ourselves is the hardest of all sometimes!

  14. Uh… NO. I’ve got two books to publish before we take anyone else… and we still have one to take care of as she makes a difficult re-entry (understatement)…

  15. I love the add-on of having 15 minutes to do it, and waiting for inspection before suturing. 😉

  16. The whole post was topnotch humor. Most enjoyable.

  17. This gave me flashback willies!

  18. I’d like to know which exam of these listed you’ve passed, and how… at least, in your dreams! 🙂

  19. Who said anything about passing?! (heh)

  20. Rats! I was hoping you could offer some hard-earned wisdom on passing at least one! 😉

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