“Intellectual laziness and the hurry of the age have produced a craving for literary nips. The torpid brain… has grown too weak for sustained thought. There never was an age in which so many people were able to write badly.”
Israel Zangwill, the Bachelor’s Club, 1891
Paraprosdokian is not a word I would readily remember. I can even admit freely I’d never heard of it until recently. Maybe I’m just weird, but I can remember a word much better if I know where it came from; this one actually makes sense: (Greek) para– meaning “against”, and prosdokaō meaning “I expect.” Against expectations. It’s not actually that old, and is thought of by some linguists as a bogus term; but there are a lot of words that have crept into the English language on just such a pretext, and have hung around for centuries (thereby gaining loyalty from linguists). I’d say that sounds like a bit of cosmic humour.
A Paraprosdokian is a phrase or sentence that ends with an unexpected twist. Now it may be as common as rain where you live, but not here. I tend to think of these sentences as one-liners, and with good reason – this figure of speech is popular with comedians as it’s short and ends on a punch. Some Paraprosdokians use a familiar phrase and twist the ending such as the first sentence (“Where there’s a will, there’s a way”). So I say, call them what you will – just use them well!
Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
I sleep eight hours a day and at least ten at night. (Bill Hicks)
The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on my list.
Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing – after they have tried everything else. (Winston Churchill)
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
I don’t belong to an organized political party. I’m a Democrat. (Will Rogers)
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
They begin the evening news with Good Evening, then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother. (Variations on this phrase are attested as early as 1884.)
There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
If I am reading this graph correctly… I’d be very surprised. (Stephen Colbert)
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long. (Mitch Hedberg)
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, notify, I put DOCTOR.
I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don’t know I’m using blanks. (Emo Philips)
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
He was at his best when the going was good. (Alistair Cooke on the Duke of Windsor)
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit, the target.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. (Groucho Marx)
A modest man, who has much to be modest about. (Winston Churchill, about Clement Attlee)
If I could just say a few words… I’d be a better public speaker.
She was good as cooks go, and as cooks go she went.
Filed under Articles, Cartoon, Grammar, Humor, Nuts & Bolts
Okay, grammar pet peeve time: Apostrophe abuse. It needs to stop. Now.
There are only two instances in the English language in which apostrophes are used:
1) Contractions, as in: you are = you’re, or have not = haven’t, or I am = I’m. Just keep in mind that the apostrophe takes the place of the missing letter(s); if you take a letter out to combine (contract) two words together, place the apostrophe where the missing letter would have been written.
2) Possessives, as in: Steve’s hat (the hat belongs to Steve), or today’s specials (specials on for today)
Alway’s there for us. Who is Alway?
Never, I repeat NEVER should an apostrophe be used to indicate a plural!! Never, EVER. If you see it used as a plural, it’s wrong – even if it’s on a tombstone (see the image below). 
In the illustration on the right, “Alway’s there for us,” it obviously means “Alway is there for us.” But who is Alway? I thought Mary was trying to rest in peace here… It’s just wrong on so many levels, because it’s not even a plural (which they were aiming for), but an adverb.
Let’s (as in “let us”) look at another very common mistake: 1) it vs. 2) it’s vs. 3) its:
1) “It” is fairly straightforward; it is the third person singular pronoun (used in place of a noun) for objects or gender-neutral references; e.g. The chair is red = It is red.
2) “It’s” is the contracted form of “it is”, as in It’s raining or “it has”, as in It’s been a long time since we saw each other last.
3) “Its” is the possessive form of the third person singular pronoun: “the dog’s paws” = “its paws” REMEMBER: You would never spell “his shirt” as “hi’s shirt”, or “her skirt” as “he’r skirt”; in the same way you should never use the contracted form as the possessive form of it.
It’s not “CD’s” or “DVD’s” as the plural form; this is actually the possessive (which therefore requires an object for that subject’s possessive form, as in the CD’s case), and I find myself asking, “CD’s what?”
If you want more examples, from tombstones to shop signs to tattoos that are embarrassingly wrong, take a look at www.apostropheabuse.com. Okay, pet peeve appeased. Glad to get that off my chest.
Filed under Articles, Cartoon, Grammar, Nuts & Bolts, Writing Exercise
For me, reading a book is about escaping to a new world, diving into that world through the medium of the senses that are stimulated by well-chosen words, precision instruments that play a symphony of emotions, smells, sights, sounds, touches, tastes, balance and harmony. I’ve never really appreciated books that are written with gratuitous scenes of violence or sex; sometimes it seems to me (as a reader) that writers throw in scenes willy-nilly to spice things up or to patch over the fact that they haven’t researched and developed their characters thoroughly, or because they run out of plot ideas and just spin their wheels. Such scenes grate against my senses just as much as random punctuation or bad spelling does. If such elements are not organic, logical, and a natural development of the plot, they do not belong there. Period. It’s an insult to my intelligence and a brazen demand on my “believability credits” that is frankly not the author’s to demand… those credits are something that I as a reader give gladly to a good writer, but a writer has to earn them, and has no right to demand that I suspend disbelief to dive into their story when they haven’t bothered to make it believable. The writer’s job is to earn those credits through good writing, good writing, and good writing, i.e. plot, character development, grammar, syntax, orthography, and structure.
Don’t misunderstand me: There are times when the darker scenes are organic; they are necessary to portray the character, or are a natural outflow of the character’s flaws or decision process, or lack of positive input earlier on in life. Sexual scenes can be sexy without being vulgar, sensual without being slutty. Sometimes I read books that deal with such issues, but more as a writer than a reader, to see how they are structured. I read part of a book recently (I gave up quite early, which not a good sign for the writer) where the author had seemingly tried to cram as many vulgar terms as they could into one chapter, or one page, or one dialogue. It got so ridiculous that I started reading as an editor, slicing out entire passages to improve the script. As far as I’m concerned, there’s not really a point in publishing something that will likely offend half your demographic sector away from buying a second book.
Give me something to read that’s intelligent, entertaining, witty, smart, deep, and that I can come away from the experience wanting more – not just another book with those characters, but that I come away having learned something about myself or the world around me, having been positively changed, encouraged, enlightened or satisfied.
Is it just my imagination, or is written English slipping in quality, even among writers? Is it that less attention is paid to the end results than to the actual “getting it out there to be read by others”? I just returned to my blog after taking a jaunt around WordPress Land; the blogs I visited, I went to with good will, interested to see what others are thinking and writing about. But I have to admit I couldn’t understand half of what was written. Half. Now, I’m an English teacher and writer and all that, and yes, I’ve been living in a non-English speaking environment for a quarter of a century. But has it really deteriorated to the point of not only miscommunication, but of downright gibberish at times? I’m not looking down my nose at those who are trying to communicate (something); I am simply throwing out this question into the cosmos and asking if I’m the only one who’s noticed this?
Where is the satisfaction of a job well done in a sentence that looks like it was fed through BabbleFish a few dozen times? Where is the pride in having written something well, communicated the heart of the matter, and allowed others a glimpse into the mind of the writer without confusing them with poor spelling, syntax and punctuation? I find myself editing more than reading sometimes, and that does not bode well for the writer. As a writer I take my job seriously, in all its aspects, from research, to presentation. If we as writers don’t set a good example to follow, how will the next generation know right from wrong, or rite from wong?
A few simple rules I follow:
1) Read your text aloud before you hit that “post” button.
2) Have a good dictionary available (such as onelook.com), and check those words you’re unsure of.
3) Do NOT trust a spell-checker! Learn the basic rules of spelling, punctuation and syntax, and if you’re still not sure, double-check online with reliable sources.
Let’s swim against the tide of laziness and stagnation in writing; let’s expand our vocabulary instead of relying on the same ol’ same ol’; let’s set an example of good writing, even though it may not be perfect every time.
Filed under Articles, Cartoon, Nuts & Bolts, Writing Exercise
Yes, Spell-offs. Not as in, “let’s have a spelling bee,” but as in “the spellings that throw people off” – and yes, the latter is my own definition. But what better describes the mistakes that so often throw people off? As a teacher of English, and as a writer and editor, I see common problems pop up again and again in people’s written communication. I’ve put together the following list to help you sort out problems you might share with others. It’s all about choices between two or more spellings, and understanding what those spellings represent. Remember to pay special attention to which version of the word you’re using; learning the definitions of each spelling goes a long way in guarding against these mistakes.
NOTE: Apostrophes are NEVER, EVER used to create plurals of words. They are strictly for denoting possession (Sarah’s shoes) or contraction (That’s the point.).
If there are any other words you struggle with, please add in a comment below, with either a mnemonic of how to remember something easier, or a question that I’ll try to answer.
Feel free to use this, but please give credit where credit is due for the work involved. Text credit: Stephanie Huesler, © May 2013
Filed under Cartoon, Grammar, Nuts & Bolts, Writing Exercise
Stephanie Huesler 