Tag Archives: Nuts & Bolts

That Low-Down Word

That Word CloudI run a forum on a British writers’ website for grammatical problems, and answer questions that come up in the course of their writing projects.  This week the question came up about that little word, “that” – when to use it and when to lose it.  When do you use that?  When do you use a comma instead?  And when is neither one necessary?  Ah, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice proper grammar.  Hey, just kidding – it’s not that complicated!  Sometimes it doesn’t matter, and sometimes it can be confusing without it.  So, here’s the low-down:

1) Remember Rhythm:  How does your sentence flow?  Read your sentence aloud; does it have a better rhythm with or without that?  When in doubt and rhythm / comprehension is fine with or without, use it – inclusion may benefit the understanding of the sentence as a whole, and omission may cause misunderstandings.  Sometimes using that is a matter of personal taste.  Here’s a sentence that could be understood with or without:  “Fiona thinks (that) Alistair works too hard.

If you’ve already got a that in the sentence elsewhere, consider how your sentence can be reworded to avoid an overload. A double that is usually unnecessary.  In the sentence, “I realised that that would not be a good idea” the first that (acting as a conjunction, whereas the second acts as a pronoun) could be eliminated, aiding the flow but not impeding the comprehension.  Sometimes that is required in one part of a sentence, and when a second that comes up a choice needs to be made:  Take this sentence, from an AP report:  “Ford Motor Co. warned that it no longer expects to return to profitability by next year and that it is trimming North American production of pickups and SUVs for the rest of this year because of high gas prices and a shaky economy.”  The second instance could be eliminated thus:  “…next year; it is trimming…”

2) Comprehension:  Sometimes a sentence can be unintentionally misleading, and using that can help clarify.  For example,  “Fiona maintains Alistair works too hard.”  Does Fiona maintain Alistair and he works too hard? If you insert a that after maintains, it becomes clear that maintains refers to an opinion, and not maintenance of Alistair.

Sometimes in our writing, however, we want to intentionally lead the reader or a character down the garden path toward the wrong conclusion.  It’s a fine art, and understanding how another person interprets what you’ve written or could interpret it goes a long way toward walking that fine line between misdirection and deception; the first will leave a “gotcha” smile, and the latter might leave your next book unread….  As a plot element, it has its uses; but as a badly written sentence, it only results in confusing and frustrating the reader, who has to find the beginning of the sentence and read it again to understand it properly.

3) Commas:  Commas can sometimes replace the word that.  In this example, “Peter Coveney writes that ‘[t]he purpose and strength of . . .’” it would never be “Peter Coveney writes that,” or “Peter Coveney writes, that…” though it could be, “Peter Coveney writes, “…”

I hope that helps some of you dealing with similar issues in writing!

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Musings on the Unsexy Side of Writing

WordItOut-Word-cloud-223251When someone discovers the avenue of writing as a way of expressing their creativity, I can guarantee you they don’t think, “Gee, I can’t wait to get to all those technical details it will take to launch a book!”  That technical nitty-gritty is what the Swiss would call the “unsexy” side of writing.  If you’re a writer, and you’re anything like me, it’s the last thing you want to spend your time doing – I’d much rather be working on the next manuscript than tackling things like blurbs, bios, and summaries, all in various lengths.  I’d rather not have to tackle the issues of pricing, cover art decisions, marketing (most writers enjoy the isolation it takes to be a good writer and concentrate on their craft – we are not born me-salesmen!), networking and promotion.  But that’s the phase I find myself in right now.  And perhaps my situation is a bit more challenging because I am an English-language writer living in an area of a country that speaks an unwritten language:  I live in the Swiss-German speaking area of Switzerland.  There are a variety of dialects here, none of which have an official written structure or spelling (it is usually spelled phonetically, which varies according to the dialect).  High-German is the language of the newspapers and magazines and television (for the most part), but it’s not the language you hear on the streets.  And I certainly don’t have a local writer’s group from which to draw inspiration or encouragement.  I can’t just zip down to the local bookshop and see which publishers are interested in which topics.  It’s just me, myself and moi when it comes to getting it done.

And if you’re anything like me, you’ve got several irons in the fire at any given time:  At the moment I have no less than six novels at various stages of completion.  The second novel of a trilogy is on next, but will soon get put on hold as I travel to Norway for historical research this summer, for another novel in the making.  Focusing on one project at a time is the most efficient way to work; but sometimes it’s not possible.  I actually like the variety, from 18th century fiction, to 8th and 21st century fantasy fiction, contemporary fiction, science fiction… I’ve got my fingers in a lot of pies.  For me the key is self-discipline; setting goals, priorities, and daily schedules so that I can reach those goals one step at a time, all the while not letting any of that quench my creativity.  It would be great to have a support network of writers with whom I could bounce ideas around, or glean encouragment from, or be inspired by.  But life is where it is, so I’ll take the encouragement in any form it comes.  And I’ll slog my way through the unsexy side of the craft, and maybe even learn to enjoy it along the way!

 

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Coherency: Just sayin’…

gibberish-cartoonIs it just my imagination, or is written English slipping in quality, even among writers?  Is it that less attention is paid to the end results than to the actual “getting it out there to be read by others”?  I just returned to my blog after taking a jaunt around WordPress Land; the blogs I visited, I went to with good will, interested to see what others are thinking and writing about.  But I have to admit I couldn’t understand half of what was written.  Half.  Now, I’m an English teacher and writer and all that, and yes, I’ve been living in a non-English speaking environment for a quarter of a century.  But has it really deteriorated to the point of not only miscommunication, but of downright gibberish at times?  I’m not looking down my nose at those who are trying to communicate (something); I am simply throwing out this question into the cosmos and asking if I’m the only one who’s noticed this?

Where is the satisfaction of a job well done in a sentence that looks like it was fed through BabbleFish a few dozen times?  Where is the pride in having written something well, communicated the heart of the matter, and allowed others a glimpse into the mind of the writer without confusing them with poor spelling, syntax and punctuation?  I find myself editing more than reading sometimes, and that does not bode well for the writer.  As a writer I take my job seriously, in all its aspects, from research, to presentation.  If we as writers don’t set a good example to follow, how will the next generation know right from wrong, or rite from wong?

A few simple rules I follow:

1) Read your text aloud before you hit that “post” button.

2) Have a good dictionary available (such as onelook.com), and check those words you’re unsure of.

3) Do NOT trust a spell-checker!  Learn the basic rules of spelling, punctuation and syntax, and if you’re still not sure, double-check online with reliable sources.

Let’s swim against the tide of laziness and stagnation in writing; let’s expand our vocabulary instead of relying on the same ol’ same ol’; let’s set an example of good writing, even though it may not be perfect every time.

 

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Cover Art, Cover Art, Where Art Thou

For those of us who are writers, you know what I mean when I say that we’d MUCH rather spend our time writing, creating, moulding, researching characters and plots, and basically ANYTHING else than the dusty technical nuts & bolts of publication.  With the hurdles one has to leap in the publishing world, it’s no wonder that e-books are becoming THE path of choice.  I spent those required months writing cover letters, creating packages to agents, etc. only to get those letters back that said, “Great ideas!  We loved it!  But…” when they already have clients in that genre, they’re not about to take on competition for them…  So like many others, I’ve chosen the route of Kindle.  I’ve got one book ready to go, and another first draft just completed, as well as no less than 5 other projects at various stages of completion.  A meeting with an artist proved fruitless to my purpose; he knows art, but not all the aspects of doing cover art.  I’ve worked with graphic artists for album covers and artwork, but I’m not prepared to invest several thousand at a time when I’ve got dozens in my future… so…

That’s where www.Fiverr.com comes in!  For a fiver, you can find just about any service you can think of, from fake testimonials, to placebo-effect health talks, to business advertising on the back of a Harley, to language lessons over Skype,  to cover art for e-books.  If you find yourself swimming in the Maelstrom of publishing, check it out.

But a word to the wise:  You get what you pay for.  Take it as a springboard, an idea; but take it and own it yourself.  Take the time to invest your energy in learning all you can about each step of the publishing, editing, and artistic processes.  Also, such offers only cover e-book cover art; they are lower in pixel than will be required for a paperback cover, so it’s worth looking into a solution that covers both formats.

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Animal Idioms

Raining cats and dogs, 1817 caricatureI love idioms; they bring abstract concepts to life with vivid imagery, and range from the practical to the hilarious.  If I said someone was clumsy, that’s all clear and well enough; but if I said they were as clumsy as a cow on rollerskates?  I think you know where that one’s going…  Here are a just few of my favourite animal idioms:

“to be as nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs” – very nervous

“to bark up the wrong tree” – to be mistaken in one’s goals or focus

“to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed” – to be eager, lively (especially at unexpected times, e.g. morning)

“to have ants in the pants” – to be jittery, excited, animated, hyper

“to cry wolf” – to rouse others to action when it is not necessary

“to be raining cats and dogs” – to be raining hard

“in two shakes of a lamb’s tail” – very quickly

“to look a gift horse in the mouth” – to scrutinize or criticize a gift or an offer to help, etc.

“to look like something the cat dragged in” – to be very ill, to look ill

“not enough room to swing a cat” – a tight space, a small room

“to buy a pig in a poke” – to buy something without having seen its quality first (German:  “die Katze im Sack kaufen”, or “to buy a cat in a sack”)

“to cast pearls before swines” – to waste one’s efforts or investments on worthless schemes or people

“to fight like cats and dogs” – to fight with someone (regularly, or vehemently)

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Mental Sparks: RAWs

Writers tend to have vivid imaginations.  If they’re organized like I am, they probably have a dozen books on the subjects of writing better, plotting, structure, syntax and the like.  But I sometimes find that I can become too bogged down in the nitty-gritty to enjoy; that’s when writer’s block can come.  I’ve found ways to spark creativity in such times (like many writers have, and have made books out of them to share with others), and my way is called RAW:  Randomly Applied Word.

I have a wee box on my desk filled with bits of paper (folded, wadded, you name it), and on each one is written a single word.  I also have a dice in the box that has sides of “place,” “time,” “name,” etc. written on it to give me a further direction if I need it.  I pull out a word and start brainstorming; these have led to short stories, and two manuscripts (so far) that I will be finishing off as novels.  The key for me in the exercise is to think outside of the box – look at it from different camera angles, if you will.  For instance, I pulled the word Drought; automatically I thought of desert; but what if that desert weren’t the usual tan or red colour?  Something completely unexpected?  That led to a science fiction manuscript (in the queue to finish next!), and studies in geology.  Another word was Cardinal.  From that came a modern two-part fantasy novel, The Cardinal.

When I come across an interesting or unusual word, no matter where, I write it down and toss it in the box.  If you want to apply this exercise, get a creative or decorative box or tin (mine is a wooden treasure chest), and start scrapping!

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Punning In Ten Did

visual punI don’t know who originally collected this list together, but have a good laugh, and a good week!
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“Well, It’s Not Unusual.”
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
“I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.
“It’s true; no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know, I amputated your arms!”
13. I went to a seafood disco last week…And pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
“But why,” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because,” he said. “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named ‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him ‘Juan.’ Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good)…A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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Common “Spell-Offs”

FunnyYes, Spell-offs. Not as in, “let’s have a spelling bee,” but as in “the spellings that throw people off” – and yes, the latter is my own definition. But what better describes the mistakes that so often throw people off? As a teacher of English, and as a writer and editor, I see common problems pop up again and again in people’s written communication. I’ve put together the following list to help you sort out problems you might share with others. It’s all about choices between two or more spellings, and understanding what those spellings represent. Remember to pay special attention to which version of the word you’re using; learning the definitions of each spelling goes a long way in guarding against these mistakes.

NOTE: Apostrophes are NEVER, EVER used to create plurals of words. They are strictly for denoting possession (Sarah’s shoes) or contraction (That’s the point.).

If there are any other words you struggle with, please add in a comment below, with either a mnemonic of how to remember something easier, or a question that I’ll try to answer.

  • Affect and Effect: “Affect” is a verb meaning “to influence” (She was affected by the film.). “Effect” refers to a result (noun) (The effect on the carpet is apparent.)REMEMBER: Try what I call the “replacement principle”: If you can replace another word which you know to be the same part of speech as the one in question, then it is the correct form: E.g.: “The stain on the carpet is apparent.” (Stain is a noun, so effect would be used.) “She was moved by the film.” (Moved is a verb, so affect would be correct.)
  • A lot: A lot is two words. Every time. “There’s a lot of space between ‘a’ and ‘lot’.” REMEMBER: You would never write “abedroom”, “abunch” or “acat”.
  • All ready and Already: “All ready” means “prepared” (The cookie dough was all ready to make cookies the following morning.). “Already” is an adverb meaning “prior to a specified or implied time” (I can’t believe you already ate the cookie dough!).
  • All right and Alright: These two forms are controversial: Some grammar nerds will swear that “alright” is never all right. But the two forms have emerged with distinct definitions, and I’ll give a sentence example where the choice makes all the difference in understanding the sentence correctly: “The figures are all right” means that the figures are all accurate. But when you write “The figures are alright,” it means that the figures are acceptable, or satisfactory (they may also be accurate, but that is not the emphasis of this sentence and therefore a moot point). Language is constantly expanding, and though “alright” is considered wrong by many linguists and grammarians, it is gaining foothold with the nuance of difference in definition to its more formidable partner.
  • All together and Altogether: “All together”means “collectively”, and can be separated in a sentence (Let’s sing the song all together at the count of three. We all sang the song together.). “Altogether” means “entirely” (We were altogether too tired to go dancing this evening.). If you’re uncertain which one to use, replace the word in your sentence with the definition word given here; the one that makes sense is the one you want to use.  
  • Altar and Alter: “Altar” is a noun meaning “a special table in religious ceremonies” (The wedding was performed at the altar.), while “Alter” is a verb meaning “to change, to make something or someone different” (Jane had to have her wedding dress altered before she could wear it.).
  • Assure, Insure and Ensure: “Assure” is a verb meaning “to make a promise / commitment, or inform with certainty” (The politician assured his voters that he wouldn’t raise their taxes; he lied.). Insure is a verb meaning “to take out insurance for something” (I’m glad I insured my car; a tree was blown down on it in the storm.). Ensure is verb meaning “to make certain that something happens or is done” (I want to ensure that I’ve packed everything – I’ll check one more time.). REMEMBER: Insure is insurance; Ensure is making sure the “end” result happens.  NOTE: “Sure” is closely related to ensure; the sentence structure would be slightly different: I want to make sure I’ve packed everything…
  • Breath and Breathe: “Breath” is the noun meaning “the inhalation and exhaling of air” (She took a deep breath before diving.), while “Breathe” is the verb meaning “to inhale and exhale, or to impart as if by breathing” (My breath is short; I need to breathe in my asthma medication. The new coat of paint breathed life into the old house.).
  • Complement and Compliment:“Complement” is a verb meaning “to combine well with something, often something that has different qualities” (The colour of her dress complemented her eyes.). “Compliment” is a verb meaning “to say something nice to or about someone”(I complimented her on her good choice of colours.). REMEMBER: Compl-E-ment makes something more Elegant; Compl-I-ment means that I say something nice.
  • Counsel and Council: “Counsel” is a verb meaning “to give someone advice about what to do in a particular situation” or a noun referring to such a person (I counselled my friend to wait.). “Council” is a noun meaning “an official group of people who have been chosen to make decisions or provide advice.” (The council met to discuss the items from their last meeting.)
  • Dryer and Drier: “Dryer” (noun) is a machine that dries things like clothes or hair. (As soon as the dryer is finished I can switch loads of laundry.) “Drier” is the comparative form of the adjective “dry” (dry, drier, driest/dryest). (It’s drier now – shall we go for a walk?)
  • Emigrate and Immigrate:Emigrate” is a verb meaning “to Exit your country in order to live in another country” (I emigrated from America to live in Scotland.), while Immigrate is just the opposite – a verb meaning “to come Into a country because you want to live there” (He immigrated to France from England, and now lives in Paris.).
  • Except and Accept: “Except” means “to exclude” (verb) (Too many cooks spoil the broth – present company excepted, of course.); or “with the exception of, but” (preposition) (Everyone except Edward went to the beach.); or “with the exception that” (conjunction) (You look like my brother, except you have shorter hair.). “Accept” means to receive an offer, an idea, a person’s suggestion, etc. (I accepted his advice / invitation / proposal.).
  • Here and Hear: “Here” refers to place. “Hear” refers to the act of listening (ears) (Even from here, behind a closed door on the fifth floor, I can hear the music.).
  • Its and It’s: “Its” is a possessive pronoun. (The cat licks its fur to clean itself.) “It’s” is a contraction of it and is, or it and has. (It’s going to be a beautiful day. It’s been a long time since I saw him.) REMEMBER: You would never write “hi’s shirt” or “he’r jeans”, so it should NEVER be “it’s shirt”, but rather “its shirt”. If you’re not sure which one to use, use the replacement principle: Try using “it is” or “it has” in the sentence, and if it makes sense it’s “it’s”; if not, it is “its”. And keep the note about apostrophes above in mind!
  • Lead and Led: “Lead” is both verb and noun: (V): “to guide or conduct in a certain course” (He leads the choir on Thursday evenings.); (N): “A heavy, pliable, inelastic metal element” (The lead pencil left a mark on the wooden table.). “Led” is the simple past tense and past participle (always comes with have or has) of the verb lead. (Clifton led the choir on Thursdays until his wife had a baby. Since then, James has led the choir.)
  • Lose and Loose: “Lose” is a verb. “Loose” is an adjective. (You’ll lose your keys if you try to hold up your loose trousers.)
  • Moot and Mute: “Moot” is an adjective meaning “no longer important because a particular situation has changed or no longer exists” (Now that the train has left the station without us, it’s a moot point as to whether or not we’ll arrive on time.). “Mute” is a verb meaning “to make something less strong or extreme” or a noun meaning “not willing (or able) to speak” (Could you please mute the volume – I’m on the phone and I can’t hear the other person speaking. The deaf man was also mute.)
  • Past and Passed: “Past” is an adverb or proposition meaning “going near someone or something while you are on your way to another place” or “after a particular time” (I drove past his house on my way to work. We used to fight as kids, but that’s all in the past; we’re friends now.). “Passed” is the simple past tense and past participle (always with either have or has) of the verb “pass” (I passed his house on my way to work. I have passed the exams, and now I can go on holidays.)
  • Principal and Principle: “Principal” is an adjective meaning “primary; most important,” (The principal cause of failure was poor management.); a noun meaning “money initially invested,” (A portion of your mortgage payment goes to reduce the principal); or “head administrator of a school” (The principal of our school is retiring next year.) “Principle” is a noun meaning “a fundamental assumption or moral rule” (Principles are the basis of sound reason. She would not work on Sunday because of her personal principles.) REMEMBER: The principal alphabetic principle places A before E.
  • Rain, Reign, Rein: “Rain” is a noun referring to atmospheric moisture that falls (It’s raining.); Reign is both noun and verb, meaning “the exercise of sovereign power” or “to rule as a monarch” (Queen Elizabeth has reigned for sixty years. Her reign has been a long and peaceful one.). “Rein” is a noun referring to the strap or rope attached to the bridle bit of an animal, and also a verb referring to the action of using the reins to stop or direct the action of said animal. (He reined the horse to a stop with a tight grip on the reins.)
  • Shudder and Shutter: “Shudder” is a noun, “shivering tremor”, or verb, “to shake nervously” as from fear (There was a shudder in the ground as the nearby building was detonated. She shuddered at the thought.). “Shutter” is a noun, “protective panels placed over windows to block out the light” or verb referring to those panels. (I pulled the shutters closed to take a nap. Shutter the windows – a storm is coming.)
  • Then and Than: “Then” is used to show the order of events. (We went to lunch, then to the library.) “Than” is used to show comparison. (In the northern hemisphere, the summer is warmer than the winter.)
  • There, Their and They’re: “There” refers to a place or idea. “Their” is the possessive of “they.” “They’re” is a contraction of “they” and “are.” (There are seven apartments in our building; their doors all open onto the same entrance hall, and we all get along well; they’re friendly and helpful.)
  • Too, To and Two: “Too” means in addition / as well. “To” is a preposition that indicates motion in the direction of a place or thing. “Two” is the written version of the number 2. (I’m going to the cinema; Jim is coming too as I was able to buy two tickets.)
  • Weather and Whether: “Weather” is a noun to do with sunshine, wind, etc. (The weather is forecasted to become drier this week.). “Whether” is a conjunction expressing a doubt or a choice between alternatives (I haven’t decided whether I should go or not.).
  • Your and You’re: “Your” is a possessive preposition. “You’re” is a contraction of “you” and “are”: (You’re going to remember to bring your coat, aren’t you? It’s cold outside.)

Feel free to use this, but please give credit where credit is due for the work involved.  Text credit: Stephanie Huesler, © May 2013

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The Trouble with Commas

CommaCommas are important. Placing them wrongly in a letter or a manuscript can be confusing, or just downright wrong. It could even cost you a contract or a job, given the right circumstances. Below is an example of how the simple placement of commas can transform the message. Both texts are written in the exact same wording:

Dear John, I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy–will you let me be yours? Jane

Dear John, I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours

Jane

For the low-down on the little blighters, check out the following website for a list of rules:

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm

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The Silent Scream of Oxymorons

munch-the-screamAn oxymoron is an expression that contains words with opposite meanings; sometimes, like idiot savants, we use them without even realizing how clearly confusing they might be, or how seriously funny they might sound to others.

Having friends around the world, I’m quite aware of cultural issues; for instance, British fashion might sound like an oxymoron to a French designer, while French deodorant might sound like one to the Brit.  There are the usual internationally recognized oxymorons like good airline food, or train schedule, and then there are locally-limited ones such as funky white guy that might not make any sense to someone from the African continent.  A divorcee might think that marital bliss is an oxymoron, but then I’ve been married nearly 20 years and I can confirm that it is NOT a contradiction in terms.  Comfortably dressed might seem an oxymoron to a nudist colony, and Wall Street might think that business ethics is a tragic comedyCalm wind may sound like a contradiction, but I’ve spent enough time along the northern coast of Scotland to confirm that wind can indeed seem calm… anything less than gale-force winds would suffice on that count.

But it’s the universally understood oxymorons that are the most fun, such as military intelligence or Arabian democracy, government organization or industrial park.  How many times have you been alone together with a friend and heard them say, “Just act naturally” as someone you’re attracted to walks by… when you’d rather be whispering bittersweet nothings in their ear?  Have you ever gained weight after having a lite beer? Yep.  Ditto for diet ice-cream, non-alcoholic beer or non-alcoholic wines.  Some oxymorons are clearly ambiguous, while others are an exact estimate of feelings, such as acute dullness, feeling almost exactly like a cowardly lion or an unsung hero.  Groucho Marx proved that educational television is not necessarily an oxymoron; he said, “I find television very educational; every time someone turns it on, I go into another room and read a book.”

And don’t even get me started about politics:  Do you have fun at a political party?  What about moral majority – they took God out of society and must now live with the consequences; moral has never been majority, but rather the discriminated minority, in my unbiased opinion.  And there will never truly be united nations – I’ve lived smack in the middle of Europe for 25 years and have watched the EU decay from idealistic dreams to cooking the books just to stay afloat.  There’s really no such thing as modern history, holy wars, conservative liberals, socialist market economies, humanitarian invasions, peace force,  peace offensive, or peacekeeper missiles, though sometimes I get the impression that criminal justice is more alive and well in America than is common sense.

There are some oxymorons that sound accurate, but using the term non-working mother may land you in the emergency ward through a display of passive aggression!  And how many know the truth of the oxymoron Microsoft WorksNow thenOld news, near miss, extensive briefing, advanced basics, even odds, federal budget, free trade, friendly fire, homeland security, paid volunteers, least favourite and software documentation… our lives are permeated with them.

I’m terribly pleased that I’m a private citizen with a home office, but working holidays are a virtual reality in such a situation, as the line between work and private life is obviously obscured.  I don’t miss facing all those rolling stops of rush hour, though I’m vaguely aware of the deafening silence of Tinnitus more when I’m home alone.  I call it a qualified success when I’ve managed to do a bit of writing, cleaning, editing, cooking and blogging in a day.  I can listen to music, whether soft rock, light rock, instant classics, rap music, or rock opera, and I’m the uncrowned queen of dancing with my cats.

Some oxymorons just make me shake my head in sympathetic  pain:  There are actually those who somehow think that non-dairy creamer is either dairy, cream, or a wholesome substitute, when I think they’re rather dangerously safe at best, and misanthropic humanitarianism at worst.  One should never be deliberately thoughtless when it comes to genuine imitation nutrition; when vitamins and minerals are found missing, it can’t be healthy; it may even lead to a great depression!  And what is it with “masterpiece of evolution”?  Follow that to its logical conclusion.

What about those who feel intense apathy or feel clearly misunderstood, or second best?  And is ill health the same difference as good griefCheerleading scholarship?  Really?  Is there ever real potential for a minor crisis?  Either it is or it isn’t.  And how many have experienced the headache of trying to open a childproof container as an adult?  It’s a minor miracle to open some of them.

I could go on and on ad infinitum – that’s why I love the English language!  There are so many glorious contradictions – almost as many as there are people with different perspectives!  So let’s organize a friendly takeover of the English language, reclaiming ground lost to the insipidity of poor grammar, apathetic vocabulary and lazy spelling!

If you’ve got any more great oxymorons, please let us know in a comment below!  Happy hunting!

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