“Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.”
G.K. Chesterton
Animal Idioms
I love idioms; they bring abstract concepts to life with vivid imagery, and range from the practical to the hilarious. If I said someone was clumsy, that’s all clear and well enough; but if I said they were as clumsy as a cow on rollerskates? I think you know where that one’s going… Here are a just few of my favourite animal idioms:
“to be as nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs” – very nervous
“to bark up the wrong tree” – to be mistaken in one’s goals or focus
“to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed” – to be eager, lively (especially at unexpected times, e.g. morning)
“to have ants in the pants” – to be jittery, excited, animated, hyper
“to cry wolf” – to rouse others to action when it is not necessary
“to be raining cats and dogs” – to be raining hard
“in two shakes of a lamb’s tail” – very quickly
“to look a gift horse in the mouth” – to scrutinize or criticize a gift or an offer to help, etc.
“to look like something the cat dragged in” – to be very ill, to look ill
“not enough room to swing a cat” – a tight space, a small room
“to buy a pig in a poke” – to buy something without having seen its quality first (German: “die Katze im Sack kaufen”, or “to buy a cat in a sack”)
“to cast pearls before swines” – to waste one’s efforts or investments on worthless schemes or people
“to fight like cats and dogs” – to fight with someone (regularly, or vehemently)
Filed under Grammar, Images, Nuts & Bolts, Research, Writing Exercise
Mental Sparks: RAWs
Writers tend to have vivid imaginations. If they’re organized like I am, they probably have a dozen books on the subjects of writing better, plotting, structure, syntax and the like. But I sometimes find that I can become too bogged down in the nitty-gritty to enjoy; that’s when writer’s block can come. I’ve found ways to spark creativity in such times (like many writers have, and have made books out of them to share with others), and my way is called RAW: Randomly Applied Word.
I have a wee box on my desk filled with bits of paper (folded, wadded, you name it), and on each one is written a single word. I also have a dice in the box that has sides of “place,” “time,” “name,” etc. written on it to give me a further direction if I need it. I pull out a word and start brainstorming; these have led to short stories, and two manuscripts (so far) that I will be finishing off as novels. The key for me in the exercise is to think outside of the box – look at it from different camera angles, if you will. For instance, I pulled the word Drought; automatically I thought of desert; but what if that desert weren’t the usual tan or red colour? Something completely unexpected? That led to a science fiction manuscript (in the queue to finish next!), and studies in geology. Another word was Cardinal. From that came a modern two-part fantasy novel, The Cardinal.
When I come across an interesting or unusual word, no matter where, I write it down and toss it in the box. If you want to apply this exercise, get a creative or decorative box or tin (mine is a wooden treasure chest), and start scrapping!
Filed under Nuts & Bolts, Writing Exercise
Punning In Ten Did
I don’t know who originally collected this list together, but have a good laugh, and a good week!
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“Well, It’s Not Unusual.”
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
“I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.
“It’s true; no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know, I amputated your arms!”
13. I went to a seafood disco last week…And pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
“But why,” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because,” he said. “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named ‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him ‘Juan.’ Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good)…A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Filed under Nuts & Bolts
A Date with History
In writing, I like to have my days of the week accurate with the year I’m writing in; at the moment I’m putting the final touches on a novel set in 1788, and to get the dates accurate, here’s the website I’ve been using:
http://www.timeanddate.com/calendar/?year=2013&country=9
Just feed in the year and place you’re wanting, and bob’s your uncle. If you go further back in time, just be aware that calculations of months and days have not always been the same; The Gregorian calendar has gone through some changes since its inception; for instance, there are 10 days missing in October 1582 (the last day of the Julian calendar was Thursday, 4 October 1582 and this was followed by the first day of the Gregorian calendar, Friday, 15 October 1582).
There are also other calendars to consider, e.g. the Roman calendar (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roman_calendar), Germanic, Icelandic, Asian, Arabic… time has long been calculated. It’s a bit comforting to know, when I have trouble remembering what day of the week it is sometimes!
Filed under Research
Common “Spell-Offs”
Yes, Spell-offs. Not as in, “let’s have a spelling bee,” but as in “the spellings that throw people off” – and yes, the latter is my own definition. But what better describes the mistakes that so often throw people off? As a teacher of English, and as a writer and editor, I see common problems pop up again and again in people’s written communication. I’ve put together the following list to help you sort out problems you might share with others. It’s all about choices between two or more spellings, and understanding what those spellings represent. Remember to pay special attention to which version of the word you’re using; learning the definitions of each spelling goes a long way in guarding against these mistakes.
NOTE: Apostrophes are NEVER, EVER used to create plurals of words. They are strictly for denoting possession (Sarah’s shoes) or contraction (That’s the point.).
If there are any other words you struggle with, please add in a comment below, with either a mnemonic of how to remember something easier, or a question that I’ll try to answer.
- Affect and Effect: “Affect” is a verb meaning “to influence” (She was affected by the film.). “Effect” refers to a result (noun) (The effect on the carpet is apparent.). REMEMBER: Try what I call the “replacement principle”: If you can replace another word which you know to be the same part of speech as the one in question, then it is the correct form: E.g.: “The stain on the carpet is apparent.” (Stain is a noun, so effect would be used.) “She was moved by the film.” (Moved is a verb, so affect would be correct.)
- A lot: A lot is two words. Every time. “There’s a lot of space between ‘a’ and ‘lot’.” REMEMBER: You would never write “abedroom”, “abunch” or “acat”.
- All ready and Already: “All ready” means “prepared” (The cookie dough was all ready to make cookies the following morning.). “Already” is an adverb meaning “prior to a specified or implied time” (I can’t believe you already ate the cookie dough!).
- All right and Alright: These two forms are controversial: Some grammar nerds will swear that “alright” is never all right. But the two forms have emerged with distinct definitions, and I’ll give a sentence example where the choice makes all the difference in understanding the sentence correctly: “The figures are all right” means that the figures are all accurate. But when you write “The figures are alright,” it means that the figures are acceptable, or satisfactory (they may also be accurate, but that is not the emphasis of this sentence and therefore a moot point). Language is constantly expanding, and though “alright” is considered wrong by many linguists and grammarians, it is gaining foothold with the nuance of difference in definition to its more formidable partner.
- All together and Altogether: “All together”means “collectively”, and can be separated in a sentence (Let’s sing the song all together at the count of three. We all sang the song together.). “Altogether” means “entirely” (We were altogether too tired to go dancing this evening.). If you’re uncertain which one to use, replace the word in your sentence with the definition word given here; the one that makes sense is the one you want to use.
- Altar and Alter: “Altar” is a noun meaning “a special table in religious ceremonies” (The wedding was performed at the altar.), while “Alter” is a verb meaning “to change, to make something or someone different” (Jane had to have her wedding dress altered before she could wear it.).
- Assure, Insure and Ensure: “Assure” is a verb meaning “to make a promise / commitment, or inform with certainty” (The politician assured his voters that he wouldn’t raise their taxes; he lied.). Insure is a verb meaning “to take out insurance for something” (I’m glad I insured my car; a tree was blown down on it in the storm.). Ensure is verb meaning “to make certain that something happens or is done” (I want to ensure that I’ve packed everything – I’ll check one more time.). REMEMBER: Insure is insurance; Ensure is making sure the “end” result happens. NOTE: “Sure” is closely related to ensure; the sentence structure would be slightly different: I want to make sure I’ve packed everything…
- Breath and Breathe: “Breath” is the noun meaning “the inhalation and exhaling of air” (She took a deep breath before diving.), while “Breathe” is the verb meaning “to inhale and exhale, or to impart as if by breathing” (My breath is short; I need to breathe in my asthma medication. The new coat of paint breathed life into the old house.).
- Complement and Compliment:“Complement” is a verb meaning “to combine well with something, often something that has different qualities” (The colour of her dress complemented her eyes.). “Compliment” is a verb meaning “to say something nice to or about someone”(I complimented her on her good choice of colours.). REMEMBER: Compl-E-ment makes something more Elegant; Compl-I-ment means that I say something nice.
- Counsel and Council: “Counsel” is a verb meaning “to give someone advice about what to do in a particular situation” or a noun referring to such a person (I counselled my friend to wait.). “Council” is a noun meaning “an official group of people who have been chosen to make decisions or provide advice.” (The council met to discuss the items from their last meeting.)
- Dryer and Drier: “Dryer” (noun) is a machine that dries things like clothes or hair. (As soon as the dryer is finished I can switch loads of laundry.) “Drier” is the comparative form of the adjective “dry” (dry, drier, driest/dryest). (It’s drier now – shall we go for a walk?)
- Emigrate and Immigrate: “Emigrate” is a verb meaning “to Exit your country in order to live in another country” (I emigrated from America to live in Scotland.), while Immigrate is just the opposite – a verb meaning “to come Into a country because you want to live there” (He immigrated to France from England, and now lives in Paris.).
- Except and Accept: “Except” means “to exclude” (verb) (Too many cooks spoil the broth – present company excepted, of course.); or “with the exception of, but” (preposition) (Everyone except Edward went to the beach.); or “with the exception that” (conjunction) (You look like my brother, except you have shorter hair.). “Accept” means to receive an offer, an idea, a person’s suggestion, etc. (I accepted his advice / invitation / proposal.).
- Here and Hear: “Here” refers to place. “Hear” refers to the act of listening (ears) (Even from here, behind a closed door on the fifth floor, I can hear the music.).
- Its and It’s: “Its” is a possessive pronoun. (The cat licks its fur to clean itself.) “It’s” is a contraction of it and is, or it and has. (It’s going to be a beautiful day. It’s been a long time since I saw him.) REMEMBER: You would never write “hi’s shirt” or “he’r jeans”, so it should NEVER be “it’s shirt”, but rather “its shirt”. If you’re not sure which one to use, use the replacement principle: Try using “it is” or “it has” in the sentence, and if it makes sense it’s “it’s”; if not, it is “its”. And keep the note about apostrophes above in mind!
- Lead and Led: “Lead” is both verb and noun: (V): “to guide or conduct in a certain course” (He leads the choir on Thursday evenings.); (N): “A heavy, pliable, inelastic metal element” (The lead pencil left a mark on the wooden table.). “Led” is the simple past tense and past participle (always comes with have or has) of the verb lead. (Clifton led the choir on Thursdays until his wife had a baby. Since then, James has led the choir.)
- Lose and Loose: “Lose” is a verb. “Loose” is an adjective. (You’ll lose your keys if you try to hold up your loose trousers.)
- Moot and Mute: “Moot” is an adjective meaning “no longer important because a particular situation has changed or no longer exists” (Now that the train has left the station without us, it’s a moot point as to whether or not we’ll arrive on time.). “Mute” is a verb meaning “to make something less strong or extreme” or a noun meaning “not willing (or able) to speak” (Could you please mute the volume – I’m on the phone and I can’t hear the other person speaking. The deaf man was also mute.)
- Past and Passed: “Past” is an adverb or proposition meaning “going near someone or something while you are on your way to another place” or “after a particular time” (I drove past his house on my way to work. We used to fight as kids, but that’s all in the past; we’re friends now.). “Passed” is the simple past tense and past participle (always with either have or has) of the verb “pass” (I passed his house on my way to work. I have passed the exams, and now I can go on holidays.)
- Principal and Principle: “Principal” is an adjective meaning “primary; most important,” (The principal cause of failure was poor management.); a noun meaning “money initially invested,” (A portion of your mortgage payment goes to reduce the principal); or “head administrator of a school” (The principal of our school is retiring next year.) “Principle” is a noun meaning “a fundamental assumption or moral rule” (Principles are the basis of sound reason. She would not work on Sunday because of her personal principles.) REMEMBER: The principal alphabetic principle places A before E.
- Rain, Reign, Rein: “Rain” is a noun referring to atmospheric moisture that falls (It’s raining.); Reign is both noun and verb, meaning “the exercise of sovereign power” or “to rule as a monarch” (Queen Elizabeth has reigned for sixty years. Her reign has been a long and peaceful one.). “Rein” is a noun referring to the strap or rope attached to the bridle bit of an animal, and also a verb referring to the action of using the reins to stop or direct the action of said animal. (He reined the horse to a stop with a tight grip on the reins.)
- Shudder and Shutter: “Shudder” is a noun, “shivering tremor”, or verb, “to shake nervously” as from fear (There was a shudder in the ground as the nearby building was detonated. She shuddered at the thought.). “Shutter” is a noun, “protective panels placed over windows to block out the light” or verb referring to those panels. (I pulled the shutters closed to take a nap. Shutter the windows – a storm is coming.)
- Then and Than: “Then” is used to show the order of events. (We went to lunch, then to the library.) “Than” is used to show comparison. (In the northern hemisphere, the summer is warmer than the winter.)
- There, Their and They’re: “There” refers to a place or idea. “Their” is the possessive of “they.” “They’re” is a contraction of “they” and “are.” (There are seven apartments in our building; their doors all open onto the same entrance hall, and we all get along well; they’re friendly and helpful.)
- Too, To and Two: “Too” means in addition / as well. “To” is a preposition that indicates motion in the direction of a place or thing. “Two” is the written version of the number 2. (I’m going to the cinema; Jim is coming too as I was able to buy two tickets.)
- Weather and Whether: “Weather” is a noun to do with sunshine, wind, etc. (The weather is forecasted to become drier this week.). “Whether” is a conjunction expressing a doubt or a choice between alternatives (I haven’t decided whether I should go or not.).
- Your and You’re: “Your” is a possessive preposition. “You’re” is a contraction of “you” and “are”: (You’re going to remember to bring your coat, aren’t you? It’s cold outside.)
Feel free to use this, but please give credit where credit is due for the work involved. Text credit: Stephanie Huesler, © May 2013
Filed under Cartoon, Grammar, Nuts & Bolts, Writing Exercise
The Trouble with Commas
Commas are important. Placing them wrongly in a letter or a manuscript can be confusing, or just downright wrong. It could even cost you a contract or a job, given the right circumstances. Below is an example of how the simple placement of commas can transform the message. Both texts are written in the exact same wording:
Dear John, I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy–will you let me be yours? Jane
Dear John, I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours
Jane
For the low-down on the little blighters, check out the following website for a list of rules:
Filed under Nuts & Bolts
On Writing
“True glory consists in doing what deserves to be written; in writing what deserves to be read; and in so living as to make the world happier for our living in it.”
Pliny The Elder (Roman scholar & scientist, 23-79 AD)
Filed under Quotes
The Silent Scream of Oxymorons
An oxymoron is an expression that contains words with opposite meanings; sometimes, like idiot savants, we use them without even realizing how clearly confusing they might be, or how seriously funny they might sound to others.
Having friends around the world, I’m quite aware of cultural issues; for instance, British fashion might sound like an oxymoron to a French designer, while French deodorant might sound like one to the Brit. There are the usual internationally recognized oxymorons like good airline food, or train schedule, and then there are locally-limited ones such as funky white guy that might not make any sense to someone from the African continent. A divorcee might think that marital bliss is an oxymoron, but then I’ve been married nearly 20 years and I can confirm that it is NOT a contradiction in terms. Comfortably dressed might seem an oxymoron to a nudist colony, and Wall Street might think that business ethics is a tragic comedy. Calm wind may sound like a contradiction, but I’ve spent enough time along the northern coast of Scotland to confirm that wind can indeed seem calm… anything less than gale-force winds would suffice on that count.
But it’s the universally understood oxymorons that are the most fun, such as military intelligence or Arabian democracy, government organization or industrial park. How many times have you been alone together with a friend and heard them say, “Just act naturally” as someone you’re attracted to walks by… when you’d rather be whispering bittersweet nothings in their ear? Have you ever gained weight after having a lite beer? Yep. Ditto for diet ice-cream, non-alcoholic beer or non-alcoholic wines. Some oxymorons are clearly ambiguous, while others are an exact estimate of feelings, such as acute dullness, feeling almost exactly like a cowardly lion or an unsung hero. Groucho Marx proved that educational television is not necessarily an oxymoron; he said, “I find television very educational; every time someone turns it on, I go into another room and read a book.”
And don’t even get me started about politics: Do you have fun at a political party? What about moral majority – they took God out of society and must now live with the consequences; moral has never been majority, but rather the discriminated minority, in my unbiased opinion. And there will never truly be united nations – I’ve lived smack in the middle of Europe for 25 years and have watched the EU decay from idealistic dreams to cooking the books just to stay afloat. There’s really no such thing as modern history, holy wars, conservative liberals, socialist market economies, humanitarian invasions, peace force, peace offensive, or peacekeeper missiles, though sometimes I get the impression that criminal justice is more alive and well in America than is common sense.
There are some oxymorons that sound accurate, but using the term non-working mother may land you in the emergency ward through a display of passive aggression! And how many know the truth of the oxymoron Microsoft Works? Now then: Old news, near miss, extensive briefing, advanced basics, even odds, federal budget, free trade, friendly fire, homeland security, paid volunteers, least favourite and software documentation… our lives are permeated with them.
I’m terribly pleased that I’m a private citizen with a home office, but working holidays are a virtual reality in such a situation, as the line between work and private life is obviously obscured. I don’t miss facing all those rolling stops of rush hour, though I’m vaguely aware of the deafening silence of Tinnitus more when I’m home alone. I call it a qualified success when I’ve managed to do a bit of writing, cleaning, editing, cooking and blogging in a day. I can listen to music, whether soft rock, light rock, instant classics, rap music, or rock opera, and I’m the uncrowned queen of dancing with my cats.
Some oxymorons just make me shake my head in sympathetic pain: There are actually those who somehow think that non-dairy creamer is either dairy, cream, or a wholesome substitute, when I think they’re rather dangerously safe at best, and misanthropic humanitarianism at worst. One should never be deliberately thoughtless when it comes to genuine imitation nutrition; when vitamins and minerals are found missing, it can’t be healthy; it may even lead to a great depression! And what is it with “masterpiece of evolution”? Follow that to its logical conclusion.
What about those who feel intense apathy or feel clearly misunderstood, or second best? And is ill health the same difference as good grief? Cheerleading scholarship? Really? Is there ever real potential for a minor crisis? Either it is or it isn’t. And how many have experienced the headache of trying to open a childproof container as an adult? It’s a minor miracle to open some of them.
I could go on and on ad infinitum – that’s why I love the English language! There are so many glorious contradictions – almost as many as there are people with different perspectives! So let’s organize a friendly takeover of the English language, reclaiming ground lost to the insipidity of poor grammar, apathetic vocabulary and lazy spelling!
If you’ve got any more great oxymorons, please let us know in a comment below! Happy hunting!
Filed under Nuts & Bolts
Stephanie Huesler 