Category Archives: Humor

Knowing Jack Schitt

This piece of writing has been floating around cyberspace for quite some time; I’ve tried to track down just who is responsible for it, with no luck [Note, November 2024: It was written by Jim Hickerson, as a fun email among co-workers back in 1998. See links to explanation and to the credits page].  It’s so tongue-in-cheek, your tongue may permanently stay there, and I dare you not to think of the whole family tree the next time you hear any of the associated phrases!

Who is Jack Schitt?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says “You don’t know Jack Schitt.” Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents’ objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two other of the six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.  She’d had a pet dog, a mastiff who was known in the region by his Chinese name, Ho Le Schitt, because he ate small gangsters for breakfast; she couldn’t afford to feed him in her new country, so she left him where his food supply would not run out.

So now when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt,” you can correct them.

Image Credit: Nobleworkscards.com

O. Schitt – this tree doesn’t quite match the lineage above. O. Well. Image Credit: Nobleworkscards.com

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Filed under Humor, Images

The Pitfalls of Analogies

These are priceless examples of creativity gone awry.  I don’t know who originally wrote these gems or compiled them; if you know, please tell me so that I can give credit where credit is due!

21 Analogies Used by High School Students in English Essays

  1. “When she tried to sing, it sounded like a walrus giving birth to farm equipment.”
  2. “Her eyes twinkled, like the moustache of a man with a cold.”
  3. “She was like a magnet: Attractive from the back, repulsive from the front.”
  4. “The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one long slender leg behind her, like at dog at a fire hydrant.”
  5. “She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli and he was a room temperature Canadian beef.”
  6. “She had him like a toenail stuck in a shag carpet.”
  7. “The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.”
  8. “Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.”
  9. “Her eyes were like the stars, not because they twinkle, but because they were so far apart.”
  10. “His career was blowing up like a man with a broken metal detector walking through an active minefield.”
  11. “The sun was below the watery horizon, like a diabetic grandma easing into a warm salt bath.”
  12. “From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.”
  13. “It was as easy as taking candy from a diabetic man who no longer wishes to eat candy.”
  14. “She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes before it throws up.”
  15. “Their love burned with the fiery intensity of a urinary tract infection.”
  16. “It’s basically an illusion and no different than if I were to imagine something else, like Batman riding a flying toaster.”
  17. “If it was any colder, it would be like being in a place that’s a little colder than it is here.”
  18. “Joy fills her heart like a silent but deadly fart fills a room with no windows.”
  19. “The bird flew gracefully into the air like a man stepping on a landmine in zero gravity.”
  20. “He felt confused. As confused as a homeless man on house arrest.”
  21. “The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.”

dilbert-bad-analogies

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Filed under Cartoon, Grammar, Humor, Lists, Nuts & Bolts, Writing Exercise, Writing Prompt

Just for Fun #2: Options

Hikers and Bikers, Crocodiles

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Just for Fun #1: Two Letters

Ah, the fun of leaving out two letters…

funny-signs6_1

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Bottoms Up!

Worst Day EverI came across this poem online, but without crediting the author; so I went in search, found, and give them the credit they deserve for a clever piece!

Worst Day Ever?

By Chanie Gorkin

Today was the absolute worst day ever

And don’t try to convince me that

There’s something good in every day

Because, when you take a closer look,

This world is a pretty evil place.

Even if

Some goodness does shine through once in a while

Satisfaction and happiness don’t last.

And it’s not true that

It’s all in the mind and heart

Because

True happiness can be obtained

Only if one’s surroundings are good.

It’s not true that good exists

I’m sure you can agree that

The reality

Creates

My attitude

It’s all beyond my control.

And you’ll never in a million years hear me say that

Today was a good day.

Now read it from bottom to top, the other way,
And see what I really feel about my day.

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Filed under Humor, Images, Poetry

To-Too-Two-Tutu

Funny

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Commas Matter

When was the last time you saw one?…

Commas Matter

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Details, details

commas 2

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March 21, 2015 · 10:08 AM

Standing Up for Sitting Down

No, this is not an article about the pros and cons of the position you take while writing; but as a writer, I am fully aware that my job is mostly a sitting one… it’s hard to walk around writing or typing and not fall down the stairs.  But there are a lot of pseudo-scientific articles circulating recently about how sitting is the worst thing for your body.  I have news for you:  Stress about worrying if you’re sitting too much is far worse for your body than your actual physical posture.  Sit comfortably, sit straight and relaxed, and write creatively; take occasional breaks by getting up, moving around, stretching, and getting a hot cup of tea for the next round of writing!  For a good dose of sarcasm on the topic, click on the image below!

Standing-Desk-Measurements

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Filed under Humor, Links to External Articles

Back in the Land of the Living

Last week I took a much-needed break from the computer after launching my latest novel, The Cardinal (Parts One & Two)!  It is such a complex story with rich landscapes that it deserved the room to breathe and unfold, and so it became two novels, though that decision didn’t come until well into the second draft.  When it was all said and done, I had formatted two books, twice each (one format for Kindle, one for paperback), designed four covers, written countless versions of blurbs, etc., and gone through the publication process four times.  Trust me, I’d seen enough of my computer at that point to have a love-hate relationship with it for a while.  During that break I managed to read five books in a week, not a single one of them research-related for the next project!  I’ve since made peace with my computer, and I’m beginning work on the next novel – this time, back to the 18th century to complete the Northing Trilogy.  I’m looking forward to exploring this new aspect of characters I already know well from the previous two novels; it will take me through the grime of workhouse orphanages and the salty brine of the British navy in the mid-18th century, and already the research questions accumulating portend at least one trip to London, which is one of my favourite cities anyway, and I’m sure you’ll hear more about that in the months to come.

The Culprits

The Three Culprits: Gandria, Caprino and Allegra (top to bottom)

With all of the push and shove of getting the books ready to publish, Christmas has snuck up on me!  It hit home this weekend, literally, when we put up the Christmas decorations:  Here in Switzerland it’s usual to put the Christmas tree and decorations up on Christmas Eve, so we’ve struck a compromise between our varying cultures and aim for the first Advent; it’s also a pragmatic compromise as, if we’re going to go to all that effort, we might as well enjoy it a bit.  We went to the first Christmas market of the season, complete with hot wine punch, roasted chestnuts, and Christmas shopping.  If any of you have cats, you’ll empathize with me on one point:  As we walked through the market, again and again we saw things that we liked, “But…”  A nice wind chime made of drift wood, stones and feathers in perfect balance?  Cat toy.  Ditto for the man-sized candle holder made of stones & driftwood.  Scratching post.  Now mind you, our cats are well-behaved, and they only scratch on their scratching post; but there’s probably too little of a difference to their perspective between the allowed version and the decorative, expensive version…  Any cloth craft item is like catnip to our calico, Gandria – she carries off anything cloth she can get into her mouth (she’s even learned how to unzip my husband’s backpack; her favourite thing to steal is his tissue packs).

All of that just to say this:  I have now re-entered the land of the living after having been sequestered with my book manuscripts in the final polish and publish phases.  I’m more than ready for holidays, and blogging, writing, researching, plotting… in short, starting the next manuscript.

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