“Impartiality is a pompous name for Indifference, which is an elegant name for Ignorance.”
G.K. Chesterton, 19th C. English writer
“Impartiality is a pompous name for Indifference, which is an elegant name for Ignorance.”
G.K. Chesterton, 19th C. English writer
At last, I can announce it! My first published book, pre-Regency fiction called “The Price of Freedom” is out! Available on Amazon worldwide, and ready to read and enjoy in the Kindle e-book format!
It’s been a long process, and one fraught with delays, hiccups, a lot of homework, and the unsexy side of writing. It’s my first baby – the story that started me writing several years ago, and has been the friend I honed my writing chops on. It’s hard to let go of that baby and let the wider world into its life, and allow it to take on a life of its own, but so it is.
As you know, self-published books are dependent on word-of mouth marketing. I would really appreciate your help! If anyone would like to interview me, review the book, and / or write a great review on Amazon, that would be amazing! If you know anyone remotely interested in literary fiction, Jane Austen, Georgette Heyer (my style has been compared to both of those writers by editors & other writers), historical fiction, Regency or Pre-Regency era, please pass the word on to them!
Here’s a review, from Sue Moorcroft (Author, tutor):
“She was tall and willowy, and had a way of coming into a room like a welcomed summer breeze, drawing all eyes to herself.” – What a great description! It’s the kind of thing I wish I’d written. It really conjures up an image for the reader.
“…his death at such a ripe old age could not conveniently be avoided I suppose…” – A great snippet of dialogue. It’s exactly this kind of sly humour, that Jane Austen did so well, that earns for Regency fiction the tag, ‘comedy of manners’.
So… pass the word, download the book, grap a cuppa and curl up for a good read!
Filed under Publications
A Spoonerism is a deliberate (or accidental) play on words in which the corresponding consonants of two words, vowels, or morphemes are switched between two words in a sentence to create two new words. For instance, “talking back” becomes “balking tack.” The name comes from an Oxford minister, Rev. William A. Spooner, who was notorious for making these mistakes. He must have been an entertaining minister to listen to! The poor fellow didn’t appreciate the honour of using his name for such mistakes; he had enough on his plate with being Albino with poor eyesight, but he was well-liked, and the dubious honour accorded him was kindly meant.
Here are a few examples (the interchangeable letters are capitalized):
The Weight of Rages will press hard upon the employer. (Rev. Spooner)
a Tip of the Slung
Dear old Queen / Queer old Dean
Runny Babbit
is the Bean Dizzy?
Fight in your Race
a Pack of Lies
Pest in DRink
the Might is in my Lies
Belly Jeans
BRimulate your Stain
as the FLow CRies
SMart Feller
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
SHake a Tower
well-boiled icicle, well-oiled bicycle
the Pea little THrigs
Roaring with Pain
Ragged Jocks
the Loose that Gaid the olden Geggs
the Mog in the Danger
the Pag at the STool
Beeping SLeauty
… and the Gist Loes on!
All I can say is, Roonerisms SPock!
Filed under Articles, Nuts & Bolts
“When I dare to be powerful – to use my strength in the service of my vision – it becomes less & less important whether I am afraid.”
Paraprosdokian is not a word I would readily remember. I can even admit freely I’d never heard of it until recently. Maybe I’m just weird, but I can remember a word much better if I know where it came from; this one actually makes sense: (Greek) para– meaning “against”, and prosdokaō meaning “I expect.” Against expectations. It’s not actually that old, and is thought of by some linguists as a bogus term; but there are a lot of words that have crept into the English language on just such a pretext, and have hung around for centuries (thereby gaining loyalty from linguists). I’d say that sounds like a bit of cosmic humour.
A Paraprosdokian is a phrase or sentence that ends with an unexpected twist. Now it may be as common as rain where you live, but not here. I tend to think of these sentences as one-liners, and with good reason – this figure of speech is popular with comedians as it’s short and ends on a punch. Some Paraprosdokians use a familiar phrase and twist the ending such as the first sentence (“Where there’s a will, there’s a way”). So I say, call them what you will – just use them well!
Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
I sleep eight hours a day and at least ten at night. (Bill Hicks)
The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on my list.
Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing – after they have tried everything else. (Winston Churchill)
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
I don’t belong to an organized political party. I’m a Democrat. (Will Rogers)
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
They begin the evening news with Good Evening, then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother. (Variations on this phrase are attested as early as 1884.)
There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
If I am reading this graph correctly… I’d be very surprised. (Stephen Colbert)
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long. (Mitch Hedberg)
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, notify, I put DOCTOR.
I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don’t know I’m using blanks. (Emo Philips)
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
He was at his best when the going was good. (Alistair Cooke on the Duke of Windsor)
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit, the target.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. (Groucho Marx)
A modest man, who has much to be modest about. (Winston Churchill, about Clement Attlee)
If I could just say a few words… I’d be a better public speaker.
She was good as cooks go, and as cooks go she went.
Filed under Articles, Cartoon, Grammar, Humor, Nuts & Bolts
Just put your feet up on the edge of the glass balcony, lean back and enjoy the breathtaking view: straight ahead is San Salvatore – the signature mountain of Lugano, Switzerland (also known as the Rio De Janeiro of Europe) – rising out of Lake Lugano. A sunny day will see the vast body of water dotted and streaked with lazy boats, speed boats, water skiers, and the occasional swimmer who ventures far away from the shores to swim long distance. A sunny, windy day will see the lake bloom like a field of wildflowers with sails unfurled. If you look straight down from the balcony, you’ll see six stories of uninterrupted view and a private swimming pool shimmering Caribbean blue in the garden below – all yours whenever you feel the urge. Sitting there gently beckons you to breathe deep, slow down, forget time, and be as lazy as you want. Being is the thing here, not doing, unless that doing brings pleasure.
Overhead, hawks circle, coming so close to the balcony that you can watch them turn their heads to look you in the eye. I’ve been fortunate enough to see them swoop at the lake and come up with fish, but more commonly you’ll simply see the results dangling from their talons as they fly nestward. Birds of all shapes and sizes are there for the viewing: Ducks that fly past squawking as they flap furiously determined to reach their destination, always in a hurry; swans that pass each morning toward the town, and each evening toward their roost; silver-backed crows that fight for the highest treetop, chasing each other from tree to fence to roof to tree to lamppost to tree; sparrows that have learned the advantages of sharing their domain with humans; seagulls that pester hawks for their fish, pester each other for their prizes, and pester simply because they enjoy pestering.
To the right in the distance is the eponymous town, the shoreline rimmed by a walkway, boating and ferry docks, a giant fountain spraying five stories straight up – when the wind doesn’t use it to spray onlookers – and swans, coots and ducks competing with sparrows, pigeons and silver-backed crows for the breadcrumbs of passersby. Every little corner café and ristorante has a place in the sun, with tables and chairs moved out onto the sidewalk, the giant umbrellas providing welcomed shade. Gelaterie dot the shoreline, offering relief from the summer heat with generous portions of creamy Italian ice cream.
This first evening, let’s head down to Gandria: A small, steep town tucked around the lakeshore hidden from Lugano, it’s accessible only to those who can walk. There is one parking lot high above the town, but I prefer the walk high above the lakeshore. For the first few minutes, we walk past luxury mansions, usually veiled in the silence of loneliness as the occupants are rarely in residence. We pass a parking area and enter a narrow stone pathway that takes us past the back door of a few stucco homes, eventually giving way to steep cliffs to our left and a steep drop to the lake below on our right. The forest grows thick here despite the rocky cliff, but if we take this walk early enough in the evening, we’ll see countless lizards sunning themselves along the stone path or cliff face; we may even glimpse a sunning snake, though they are usually quick to disappear into the underbrush. We come at last to the village of Gandria, a labyrinth of stone houses and arched passageways, where swallows can be found nesting, and a postcard in the making at every turn with a picture perfect atmosphere. The restaurant we choose engulfs the stone path, with the building on one side and the covered terrace on the edge of the lake (or out over the lake) on the other. We order our meal (Italian, of course), complete with a bottle of local wine, and watch the shadows of the mountain grow steeper, swallowing the glittering lake as it climbs the forested Italian mountains across the invisible, watery border between the two countries.
Happily satisfied with a good meal and a good year, we begin the walk home. By now, the dense forest is darker still, and conceals a deep ravine in the rising cliffs; at dusk, out of that ravine dart tiny bats by the hundreds. Contrasted against the sky, we watch them deftly echolocate their meal of insects that have thrived on the lakeshore all day and have risen to soak up the last rays of the setting sun. If you hear well, you’ll be able to hear their small shrieks as they swoop past – unaware that humans are there except as obstacles to be avoided in their flight path.
At last, we return home. The view from the glass balcony has now changed: The lake is a blanket of darkness surrounded by the glittering lights of the towns splashed along the winding coast. Sometimes a bright light suddenly flashes across the lake, where a car has turned directly toward us briefly on the winding roads and streets, but it is only the size of a firefly at this distance. The peace that settles over the lake calms any thoughts of home, responsibilities, appointments, work and schedule. Sitting in the dark and watching the stars come out as dusk fades to a black curtain, we whisper as our tangled thoughts unravel, our minds drawn to the deeper things of life than mere living.
Another place I’d take you is to the top of our mountain, Monte Brè, to the village of Brè Paese. It seems to be a magnet for artistic abdicators of the outside world, with every corner, door, window frame, stair, archway, path, woodpile and every other possible canvas artistically arranged, painted, sculptured, framed and ready to grace a postcard. My favourite and eponymous restaurant has a garden that reflects the philosophy of the town, being a dessert for the eyes and soul. There is a large chess board in the garden with potted plants as the pieces; a wooden bench made of barked branches winds its way around one of the large shade trees, and a swinging bench ready to receive visitors at a moment’s notice sways in the warm breeze beneath another tree. Our table is shaded by a kiwi fruit vine laden with fruit, winding its way up the trellis and taking its sweet time to reach a nearby balcony. Sparrows flit between the terrace tables in search of morsels and are friendly and bold enough to even land on our table occasionally.
As night falls in Lugano, the city sparkles to rival the stars. On a clear moonless night, the mountains surrounding the lake are etched black against the sky, contrasted by the city lights reflecting along the shore. Some of the brighter stars even cast their reflections onto the water below. A swan drifts past, asleep with its beak nuzzled under a wing, not caring where the gentle currents carry it by morning.
Filed under Articles
Okay, grammar pet peeve time: Apostrophe abuse. It needs to stop. Now.
There are only two instances in the English language in which apostrophes are used:
1) Contractions, as in: you are = you’re, or have not = haven’t, or I am = I’m. Just keep in mind that the apostrophe takes the place of the missing letter(s); if you take a letter out to combine (contract) two words together, place the apostrophe where the missing letter would have been written.
2) Possessives, as in: Steve’s hat (the hat belongs to Steve), or today’s specials (specials on for today)

Alway’s there for us. Who is Alway?
Never, I repeat NEVER should an apostrophe be used to indicate a plural!! Never, EVER. If you see it used as a plural, it’s wrong – even if it’s on a tombstone (see the image below). 
In the illustration on the right, “Alway’s there for us,” it obviously means “Alway is there for us.” But who is Alway? I thought Mary was trying to rest in peace here… It’s just wrong on so many levels, because it’s not even a plural (which they were aiming for), but an adverb.
Let’s (as in “let us”) look at another very common mistake: 1) it vs. 2) it’s vs. 3) its:
1) “It” is fairly straightforward; it is the third person singular pronoun (used in place of a noun) for objects or gender-neutral references; e.g. The chair is red = It is red.
2) “It’s” is the contracted form of “it is”, as in It’s raining or “it has”, as in It’s been a long time since we saw each other last.
3) “Its” is the possessive form of the third person singular pronoun: “the dog’s paws” = “its paws” REMEMBER: You would never spell “his shirt” as “hi’s shirt”, or “her skirt” as “he’r skirt”; in the same way you should never use the contracted form as the possessive form of it.
It’s not “CD’s” or “DVD’s” as the plural form; this is actually the possessive (which therefore requires an object for that subject’s possessive form, as in the CD’s case), and I find myself asking, “CD’s what?”
If you want more examples, from tombstones to shop signs to tattoos that are embarrassingly wrong, take a look at www.apostropheabuse.com. Okay, pet peeve appeased. Glad to get that off my chest.
Filed under Articles, Cartoon, Grammar, Nuts & Bolts, Writing Exercise
This was posted by Andy over at his blog, and I just had to repost it – the questions are priceless, but I love the answers. True sarcasm is a fine art.
Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were (apparently) really asked.
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? ( England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA ) 
A: Depends on how much you’ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto – can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it’s only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATM’s (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
A: No, but you’d better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North…oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don’t stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It’s a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It’s called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
Filed under Nuts & Bolts, Quotes
“So much is exhibited to the eye that nothing is left to the imagination. It sometimes seems almost possible that the modern world might be choked by its own riches, and human faculty dwindle away amid the million inventions that have been introduced to render its exercise unnecessary. The articles in the quarterlies extend to thirty or more pages, but thirty pages is now too much. So we witness a further condensing process and, we have the fortnightly and the Contemporary which reduce thirty pages to fifteen pages so that you may read a larger number of articles in a shorter time and in a shorter form. As if this last condensing process were not enough the condensed articles of these periodicals are further condensed by the daily papers, which will give you a summary of the summary of all that has been written about everything. Those who are dipping into so many subjects and gathering information in a summary and superficial form lose the habit of settling down to great works. Ephemeral literature is driving out the great classics of the present and the past… hurried reading can never be good reading.” – G.J. Goschen, First Annual Address to the Students, Toynbee Hall, London, 1894
1894. We tend to think of such times as “the good old days,” when life was slow and time was taken to read, contemplate, and discuss topics at great length. Compared to now of course, they did; but the time in which we live now will look slow to future generations. We tend to think that women today tend to be more scantily dressed than 50 years ago, and it’s true; but 100 years ago they thought exactly the same thing of their own time.
Future generations will think it quaint that we had things called “CDs” or “DVDs” (that looked exactly the same but the playing devices were incompatible with one another!) that were physical discs you actually have to put into a machine to hear music or watch a film; or telephones that actually needed electricity, or computers that needed an internet cable, or batteries that needed changing. Our miniscule cell phones will look as bulky and clumsy to them as ‘80s films’ cell phones do to us now. Magazine ads from the late ‘60s were more wordy than some full-length newspaper articles today. Ads today don’t even use words – they have to grab you with an image because you’ve just sped past in your car, on your bike, or in a tram or bus or train.
Literature is changing too. When was the last time you read a tome? Do you like to enjoy slow reading, like fine cuisine, or do you prefer to read a book in a weekend, and if it will take much longer you’re not as interested?
“With the advent of cheap newspapers and superior means of locomotion… the dreamy quiet old days are over… for men now live and think and work at express speed. They have their Mercury or Post laid on their breakfast table in the early morning, and if they are too hurried to snatch from it the news during that meal, they carry it off, to be sulkily read as they travel… leaving them no time to talk with the friend who may share the compartment with them… the hurry and bustle of modern life… lacks the quiet and repose of the period when our forefathers, they day’s work done, took their ease…” – William Smith, Morley: Ancient and Modern, 1886
It’s all about perspective. So the next time you get impatient, stop and think about those past generations who felt intimidated by the speed of a steam locomotive, and instead be grateful you’re stuck in traffic.
I run a forum on a British writers’ website for grammatical problems, and answer questions that come up in the course of their writing projects. This week the question came up about that little word, “that” – when to use it and when to lose it. When do you use that? When do you use a comma instead? And when is neither one necessary? Ah, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice proper grammar. Hey, just kidding – it’s not that complicated! Sometimes it doesn’t matter, and sometimes it can be confusing without it. So, here’s the low-down:
1) Remember Rhythm: How does your sentence flow? Read your sentence aloud; does it have a better rhythm with or without that? When in doubt and rhythm / comprehension is fine with or without, use it – inclusion may benefit the understanding of the sentence as a whole, and omission may cause misunderstandings. Sometimes using that is a matter of personal taste. Here’s a sentence that could be understood with or without: “Fiona thinks (that) Alistair works too hard.”
If you’ve already got a that in the sentence elsewhere, consider how your sentence can be reworded to avoid an overload. A double that is usually unnecessary. In the sentence, “I realised that that would not be a good idea” the first that (acting as a conjunction, whereas the second acts as a pronoun) could be eliminated, aiding the flow but not impeding the comprehension. Sometimes that is required in one part of a sentence, and when a second that comes up a choice needs to be made: Take this sentence, from an AP report: “Ford Motor Co. warned that it no longer expects to return to profitability by next year and that it is trimming North American production of pickups and SUVs for the rest of this year because of high gas prices and a shaky economy.” The second instance could be eliminated thus: “…next year; it is trimming…”
2) Comprehension: Sometimes a sentence can be unintentionally misleading, and using that can help clarify. For example, “Fiona maintains Alistair works too hard.” Does Fiona maintain Alistair and he works too hard? If you insert a that after maintains, it becomes clear that maintains refers to an opinion, and not maintenance of Alistair.
Sometimes in our writing, however, we want to intentionally lead the reader or a character down the garden path toward the wrong conclusion. It’s a fine art, and understanding how another person interprets what you’ve written or could interpret it goes a long way toward walking that fine line between misdirection and deception; the first will leave a “gotcha” smile, and the latter might leave your next book unread…. As a plot element, it has its uses; but as a badly written sentence, it only results in confusing and frustrating the reader, who has to find the beginning of the sentence and read it again to understand it properly.
3) Commas: Commas can sometimes replace the word that. In this example, “Peter Coveney writes that ‘[t]he purpose and strength of . . .’” it would never be “Peter Coveney writes that,…” or “Peter Coveney writes, that…” though it could be, “Peter Coveney writes, “…””
I hope that helps some of you dealing with similar issues in writing!
Filed under Articles, Nuts & Bolts, Research