Tag Archives: Humour
Anonymously Bad Grammar 2
Found perchance online, I thought I’d share this with you. For those of you who, like me, cringe at bad grammar and spelling, you’ve just been duly forewarned.
In (one hopes purely sarcastic) response to the following information: “Terms for being admitted to Harvard in the 17th century (around the age of 15 or 16): ‘Whoever shall be able to read Cicero, or any other such-like classical author at sight, and correctly, and without assistance to speak and write Latin both in prose and verse, and to inflect exactly the paradigms of Greek nouns and verbs, has a right to expect to be admitted into the college, and no one may claim admission without these qualifications.'”
“Hay, i took a fence @ that! i thinking hour educations more better then ever!”
Filed under Cartoon, Humor, Mistranslations
Lost in Translation: Fart
Keeping on with the disgusting theme of my last post, I thought I’d share a whiff of Polish with you: In Poland, where this candy bar is marketed, the name translates to something like Lucky Streak and the word orzechowy means nutty. It does not help to think of it as a nutty lucky streak with the name association in English, especially with an elephant as the logo…
Filed under Humor, Mistranslations, Signs, Translations
Lost in Translation: Barf
In Iran, where this laundry detergent is produced, the name means “snow”. For obvious reasons I don’t think they should try to break into the English market…
For other ads lost in translation, click here.
Filed under Humor, Images, Mistranslations, Signs
Knowing Jack Schitt
This piece of writing has been floating around cyberspace for quite some time; I’ve tried to track down just who is responsible for it, with no luck [Note, November 2024: It was written by Jim Hickerson, as a fun email among co-workers back in 1998. See links to explanation and to the credits page]. It’s so tongue-in-cheek, your tongue may permanently stay there, and I dare you not to think of the whole family tree the next time you hear any of the associated phrases!
Who is Jack Schitt?
The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says “You don’t know Jack Schitt.” Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents’ objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.
However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two other of the six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. She’d had a pet dog, a mastiff who was known in the region by his Chinese name, Ho Le Schitt, because he ate small gangsters for breakfast; she couldn’t afford to feed him in her new country, so she left him where his food supply would not run out.
So now when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt,” you can correct them.
O. Schitt – this tree doesn’t quite match the lineage above. O. Well. Image Credit: Nobleworkscards.com
The Pitfalls of Analogies
These are priceless examples of creativity gone awry. I don’t know who originally wrote these gems or compiled them; if you know, please tell me so that I can give credit where credit is due!
21 Analogies Used by High School Students in English Essays
- “When she tried to sing, it sounded like a walrus giving birth to farm equipment.”
- “Her eyes twinkled, like the moustache of a man with a cold.”
- “She was like a magnet: Attractive from the back, repulsive from the front.”
- “The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one long slender leg behind her, like at dog at a fire hydrant.”
- “She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli and he was a room temperature Canadian beef.”
- “She had him like a toenail stuck in a shag carpet.”
- “The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.”
- “Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.”
- “Her eyes were like the stars, not because they twinkle, but because they were so far apart.”
- “His career was blowing up like a man with a broken metal detector walking through an active minefield.”
- “The sun was below the watery horizon, like a diabetic grandma easing into a warm salt bath.”
- “From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.”
- “It was as easy as taking candy from a diabetic man who no longer wishes to eat candy.”
- “She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes before it throws up.”
- “Their love burned with the fiery intensity of a urinary tract infection.”
- “It’s basically an illusion and no different than if I were to imagine something else, like Batman riding a flying toaster.”
- “If it was any colder, it would be like being in a place that’s a little colder than it is here.”
- “Joy fills her heart like a silent but deadly fart fills a room with no windows.”
- “The bird flew gracefully into the air like a man stepping on a landmine in zero gravity.”
- “He felt confused. As confused as a homeless man on house arrest.”
- “The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.”
Filed under Cartoon, Grammar, Humor, Lists, Nuts & Bolts, Writing Exercise, Writing Prompt
Bottoms Up!
I came across this poem online, but without crediting the author; so I went in search, found, and give them the credit they deserve for a clever piece!
Worst Day Ever?
By Chanie Gorkin
Today was the absolute worst day ever
And don’t try to convince me that
There’s something good in every day
Because, when you take a closer look,
This world is a pretty evil place.
Even if
Some goodness does shine through once in a while
Satisfaction and happiness don’t last.
And it’s not true that
It’s all in the mind and heart
Because
True happiness can be obtained
Only if one’s surroundings are good.
It’s not true that good exists
I’m sure you can agree that
The reality
Creates
My attitude
It’s all beyond my control.
And you’ll never in a million years hear me say that
Today was a good day.
Now read it from bottom to top, the other way,
And see what I really feel about my day.
Stephanie Huesler 